GIVING UP

Lots of couples come to see me when their relationships have been in trouble for a long while. When I ask why they are still together, couples sometimes readily say they still love one another. Some couples, however, admit they just hate giving up.

Confronting relationship problems isn’t fun, particularly when they’ve experienced a lot of failure and nothing seems to work. Knowing what to do in a relationship is made even more difficult when you “get over” the fight and things seem better for a while. Couples fight, then they make up and hope the problems will never resurface. But they usually do.

Resolving relationship conflict is the goal, but this can be very hard to do. Most couples volunteer that the issues that have brought them to the brink of separation were there at the beginning. They just didn’t want to see it and didn’t think these problems were that significant.

It can be weird to come into a stranger’s office and talk all about your personal life.

But giving up on your relationship can be very hard, particularly if you have children together. When conflict has been frequent, couples sometimes want to disconnect from the troubled part of the relationship, while still hanging on to fun parts. This can lead to the murky area of “staying friends”. Usually, one half of a couple comes up with this, insisting that the two stay in contact, exchanging phone calls and emails. This is generally desired by the one who is leaving the relationship. The remaining partner, distressed and upset by the potential break-up, sometimes clings to the offer of friendship, hoping this will one day return to romantic involvement.

Some people suggest friendship when they don’t want to hurt the partner they’re leaving. Some even say they might eventually get back together. This isn’t kind, however, as the remaining partner lives in limbo, not moving on, clinging to the hope that this pseudo-friendship offers.

The concept of never giving up may make sense in a sporting sense, but not in relationships. If the interaction is abusive, ugly and negative, giving up may be the rational thing to do.

Relationships are complicated and thrilling. The hardest thing we do in this world is interact with one another.

I’m generally in favor of clients learning how to make their relationships work, but every now and then, someone comes into my office, already having decided they need to leave. This is a personal prerogative. Only the person in the relationship can make this decision. No one else–not your counselor, your pastor or your mother–gets the right to tell you what you ought to do about your relationship. Others can share perspectives and opinions, but you are the one living in it.

If you’re done, you’re done. No one telling you that you should stay makes the situation workable for you.