STUCK IN-BETWEEN

Sometime around the high school years, kids realize that they are growing up–and it usually scares the crap out of them. Some kids sail through this phase, seeming impervious to the great responsibilities that come with adulthood, but most hit the wall with a real bang. Growing up scares the heck out of them.

If you’ve ever used a ladder to climb onto the roof of a house, you know the feeling of being suspended with no support, stepping from the rungs to the roof. This is what growing up can feel like. Parents feed, clothe and support their kids, giving them Game Cubes, phones and cars. When your children become adults–even when they go off to college–they have to handle things on their own. College professors generally won’t talk to parents, insisting that kids be responsible for their own grades.

Part of the job of parenting is helping to prepare your children for independent life. After all, no matter how much you love them and will do anything for them, you won’t live forever.

They need to be able to handle life on their own.

Even high-achieving, academically-successful kids are impacted by this reality. In fact, the smarter they are, the more scared they are. They see the challenges that you, as an adult, face and they doubt themselves.

This self-doubt can prompt everything from scary teen acting-out to psychiatric symptoms. Some kids head of to colleges that are distant from their homes, excited to be on their own. A number of these kids will tank their first or second semesters and return home, depressed and shaken.

As parents, we are in a massively-important position. Although we can be anxious and afraid for them ourselves, they need to know we believe in them. This past Sunday, I watched as my daughter walked through an airport security check point, headed to Brooklyn, New York for three years of residency. I will miss her terribly and will visit her, with her father, as often as hers and my busy schedules and finances allow. (Love Manhattan) I will still miss her. For the last year of medical school, she lived in our house to allow her to spend her money on multiple residency interviews all over the U.S.

She’s been right down the hallway and now she’s 3,000 miles away. She has to make a home for herself and to create new friendships. Even though, I wish she still lived nearby, it’s my job as a loving parent of an adult child to stress over and over that she can do this and they’re lucky in Brooklyn to have her in their ER.

As parents, we can help the transition by not giving into our own fears and anxieties. Our children may stumble–as we did in our time–but they have what it takes to handle the shift to adulthood.