FOLLOW-THROUGH

The only way your kids can trust you is if you follow-through on what you tell them. This goes directly to them feeling safe with you. After all, they’re young and small and they depend on you. They need to feel sure that you will take care of them and that means that you’ll do what you say.

In the old Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant movie Charade, two men get on an elevator with Hepburn at an American consulate, discussing an evening playing cards with their boss. One man tells the other that he held a smaller hand, but he successfully bluffed the ambassador. The other guy asks why this is a problem and the first man said, “Well, if I can do it, what about the Russians?”

Parents have a tendency to utter threats and promises they don’t want to have to use. They’re trying to get their kids in line, but kids aren’t stupid. After a few of these empty threats, they get the picture–you can’t be trusted.

Parenting is a very challenging job–one of the hardest on earth. You don’t often get a vacation from being your best self. You’re on all-the-time. Small eyes note, catalogue and copy…which can be really disturbing.

So, don’t say what you’re not prepared to do. If you threaten to put your kid in time-out, put her in time-out, no matter how sweet she looks or if her tears tug at your heart. Your kids aren’t monsters trying to drive you crazy, but they are usually pretty good at doing this. They see you in your worse, most stressed, frazzled, annoyed moments and they need to know that, even when you’re tired or mad, you’ll still be reliable.

Doing what you say gives you credibility and stature with your kids (although they won’t usually tell you this until some big moment like graduation or the birth of a grandchild). Yelling at them won’t make them behave, it’s just a measure of how frustrated you are. Yes, they may jump when you yell, but remember that they haven’t doing what they’re supposed to do until you yell. That means your kids have learned they don’t have to respond until you reach a certain decibel level.

Counting 1-2-3 doesn’t work, either, because they just wait until right before you reach 3.

Say what you mean–once–and then follow-through. This is much easier if you keep your hands on them. Few things disturb me more than going to a mall or discount store and seeing kids running aisles ahead of their parents. Often the parents are yelling directions at them, which the kids then ignore. These are almost always empty threats. Parents don’t want to be bothered with carting the kids straight out of the mall–they have a reason for being at the mall and they want to get whatever–and kids know this. They know you’re just yelling at them. When you catch up to them, you may grab them by the arm and scold them. You may threaten to not get them a promised treat or not buy them whatever.

But you will. You will end up buying them ice cream or their baseball uniform or whatever you’ve come to the mall for. In this situation, why should kids listen? Don’t be this parent. You want your kids to know you can take care of them.

If you’re not acting like what you say matters, neither will they.