RELATIONSHIP RESET

Have you ever said you just want to get back to how we used to be or that you want a totally fresh start with your partner, like pushing a reset button? Sadly, trying to develop amnesia about problems between the two of you doesn’t work–at least not long term.

I often hear people express the desire to feel the way they used to with their mate and this is understandable. When you first met and started falling for one another, you saw the fun, the happy parts, the good stuff. Only as the two of you spent more time together and began sharing an on-going experience did the problems crop up. This can almost always be tracked back to poor conflict resolution.

(You may also have built your shared experiences on a weak foundation and, if so, no communication skills will make this all better. If the two of you have very different values and want different lives, the gulf may be too wide to cross. This can be painful, because you’ve loved this person. Still, if she wants drugs and rock and roll and you want family life in the suburbs, you have little upon which to base a life together. At the same time, wanting a similar life doesn’t always mean eternal relationship bliss. You need both similar values and different, unique perspectives. This can help you find a balanced, fulfilled life together.)

When you don’t resolve problems, conflict in relationships build up like sediment in a pond, eventually choking the fun out of the relationship. I frequently have one half of couples assure me that they resolve their problems. Ironically, while one person is giving me this assurance, the other is often shaking his or her head in disagreement. Resolution only exists if both of you feel settled about whatever you disagreed on. If one half of the couple just stops talking(arguing), the problem may not be actually resolved.

Sometimes people just get tired of fighting and disagreeing. They acquiesce–or stop arguing–because they just don’t see any successful end in sight.

Stopping talking doesn’t mean you’ve reached an agreement on an issue.

Many times, couples quit talking about something they can’t resolve and go on about their lives. But the unresolved issues start piling up until they choke out the fun stuff and you can no longer see your partner as the sexy, attractive person you committed to in the beginning.

The unsettled issues obscure the part that you fell in love with. Getting back to the good times is an understandable desire, but if you’re going to get there, you have to learn how to settle the issues that have blotted out the joy.

You have to learn to resolve things.

This can be a complicated process and it requires you to both express yourself and to really listen to your mate express him or herself. But it can be done.

Timing is everything here, though. Wait too long to address your relationship issues and you or your partner may get to the place that you’re just done. Finito. Finished. The love has been killed and cannot be revived.

When that happens, you might as well call the moving company and the lawyers. Therapy can only help when you’ve still got something left in a relationship, so don’t wait too long to seek help.