LOUDER ISN’T BETTER

What do you do when it doesn’t seem like the person you’re talking to is listening?

Every one of us has had a situation in which we didn’t feel heard. People often talk of communication problems, but what we normally do when we don’t feel understood or when we’re angry is to raise our voices. We speak louder, usually yelling hostile words, as if calling someone names and saying loud, ugly things makes them more understanding.

When it comes to communication, louder isn’t better.

I know, however, that you get mad when you’re not heard. This is a very natural thing, but you need to think about whether your natural reaction is working.

Remember the times in your life when you’ve been yelled at. Have you suddenly realized the error of your ways and started trying really hard to communicate with whoever was yelling at you? No, you usually yell back.

I was driving my lovely car this morning when–for some random reason–several incidents in my past popped into my head. Both happened when I was a teen and both were linked to not-the-best teen driving behavior. In both incidents, I was in the wrong. Once a total stranger yelled at me, but the other time the yeller was a person well-known to me. In neither case, did I then hear what was said. Let me repeat that both times I’d committed a driving infraction. I see that now, but I didn’t see it then. I also didn’t know why the other person was angry. The point was lost. I was only aware of being yelled at.

I didn’t hear the words, just the emotion. In general, when we feel upset, angry or frustrated, we tend to yell. But louder isn’t better when you actually want to be heard.

It may not make sense, but we’re more likely to raise our voices with the ones we love. Parents yell at their kids; people yell at their mates. We have an epidimic of poor communication and we’re strangely more hesitant to use loud, insulting language with people we don’t know. (Unlike the stranger who yelled at me for my bad driving.)

Sometimes, we rely on anonimity. We yell if we’re not likely to get caught. 

The reality is that volume communicates emotion, not much else. When you hollar, the people you’re yelling at get that you’re angry. They don’t tend to hear your actual words, though. I’ve had parents tell me that their children don’t hear them until they yell, but the problem isn’t that they were speaking too quietly before. Kids usually are very smart at knowing when you’re about to actually follow-through. They know if they can wait to turn off their video games or clean up their rooms until you start yelling. Then it’s serious.

But if this communication pattern makes you crazy, stop the yelling and start following-through quietly, after having spoken once. If you want your loved ones to hear you, speak in a level voice, but take action. It’s not always true that people do what’s important when spoken to in a level voice, but if you’re going to be understood, you need to make sure your speech isn’t communicating communication-blocking emotions . Adapting this way will help your vocal cords and your blood pressure.

Stop yelling. Start acting.