“I spent 3 years in a verbally abuse, mentally exhausting, chaotic relationship. The thing was, I loved her. She broke up with me in October of last year, but has been living in my house until today (March 1st). I am having trouble getting over her. She was an awful partner, didn’t appreciate me, never did anything sweet and never went out of her way to show affection. She put me down, cried when she couldn’t get what she wanted and snapped at me for the most absurd things. I think she may have BPD as I have done my research. Why can’t I get over her? Perhaps it was because we were engaged and planning our wedding? What steps should I take at easing off my apparent addiction for her? I would cut her off cold turkey but I am the guardian (and non bio parent) of our daughter whom I love. Help!”–Troubled
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Dear Troubled,
It’s difficult to move on when you still share a house with your ex. The first thing is to get separate living quarters and I’d recommend you tell her to leave. This can be difficult if you’re conflicted about ending the relationship, though. You’ve told me that she was an awful partner, but you’re also struggling to move on.
Don’t allow the existence of a child to keep this difficult situation going. If your ex can’t afford to support herself and a child, then you take over the child’s maintenance and have the ex move out. Either way, you don’t need her living with you. Estranged parents often struggle to deal with the issues of sharing a child. If you have legal standing in regards to your daughter, you should be able to get shared custody or visitation with her. Talk with an attorney to make sure your rights are protected.
Then, it’s time to look long and hard at whether you agree with your ex’s ugly opinion of you. You may have stayed in an abusive, exhausting relationship to remain in contact with your daughter or you may be accustomed to negative behavior. Either way, you deserve better and so does the child.
Please don’t try to diagnose your ex. This isn’t your job and it won’t help you. People currently use mental health diagnoses as weapons against others. Don’t succumb to this. You may have planned a future with her, but it sounds as if nothing good came of this potential union. You need to present your daughter with a healthy example. You don’t want her growing up to accept abuse from her partners, so don’t set her this example. Get out of the relationship and show her she doesn’t have to take this.
You may be addicted to this relationship or you may have merely become too accustomed to the mess. Get therapy to help you sort through the issues that got you in this and kept you there. You don’t want to repeat this.
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ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK
You may push your kids to take college-level courses in high school and urge them to focus on their grades, but if you don’t let them work part-time jobs, they’re missing out on a tremendous real-life educational opportunity.
Lots of young adults in college struggle to know where they want to direct their education. Some fall back on non-degree degrees–you know, the kind that won’t actually get them jobs?–or end up with six different majors before cobbling their hours together just to graduate with some kind of degree.
Working part-time jobs helps kids to think seriously about what they do and don’t want to do. It gives them a taste of the job market for those who don’t go to college and can help them develop a drive to go into whatever field works for them.
My daughters worked at amusement parks and mall food-court jobs after they reached sixteen. One even worked in a mall photography studio for one Christmas season. Before that, they spent summers helping their father work on the old buildings where we officed. One day my youngest came home, covered from head to toe in mud, after crawling around under a building, working on plumbing. She stood by the door and announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn’t want to be a plumber.
Plumbing may be your kid’s passion(my husband has a cousin with a Ph.D. in history who’s now a plumber), but crawling under a building or working at Six Flags may not be what your kid wants to do for the next twenty years. Having this kind of job early can help teens focus on what they want in their work. My daughters ended up both working at an upscale grocery store as checkers during college and one once referred to several of the workers there as “lifers”.
Service personnel are subjected to our moods and dysfunctions. It takes a lot of tolerance to do this kind of work. If, however, your teens don’t see this as a career that will enhance their lives, they should get training to do the job that will make them most fulfilled and happy.
Working as a teen can help them know what they want to do.