“I was involved in an relationship when I was only 24 years old with a girl who had just completed her high school education. She got pregnant and we had a baby girl. Being a person who is a victim of family breakup, I decided to take her as my wife.
Now the problem is that I believe our relationship was not based on love, but on infatuation and lust and that was by me. Her position was that she breakup with me, but I forced on her and she almost left for her home village. I tried by all means to break the move and I managed. We got married through the traditional way. During that time that I was supposed to pay dowry, she got pregnant for the second born and we were blessed with a baby girl.
From that time, we are not agreeable. We just argue and she has insisted for the third time that we should go our way. I have always objected to this. I am writing this email after we had a discussion. We didn’t agree, but I told to consider me a husband and have respect for the family. I even told her that if she wants to be with me, she better follow my instructions. If not ready then the door are always open.
My question is this forcing marriage on her”? Please help. I feel helpless. She does not care for me. We have three children. My father and mother divorced in 1983 when I was just 5 years old.
The bottomline is I spend most or all of my time trying to make the relationship work to no avail. I love her and I don’t want the kids to go through what I went through.”
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Dear Distressed Father,
Just because you two disagree, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t love you. Has she told you she doesn’t care for you? From what you wrote(praise to you for knowing even this much of a foreign language), it’s clear that you love your children and you’re very concerned that they not have the same experience you had as a boy. I don’t know if your dad stayed in your life or what difficulties followed the divorce, but parents separating can be hard on kids.
If the two of you fight all the time, though, your children have a rough home life, even now. You’ve tried arguing, insisting and demanding your wife do things your way and these aren’t working. Either you need to learn to listen to her complaints–and stop trying to force her to follow you–or you need to let her go.
Being a divorced father doesn’t mean you have to be an absent father. You can still see your kids regularly and be a loving dad, even if you don’t live with them. Divorce is hard on kids, but having parents who fight and argue all the time is worse.
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LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS
Bad things happen in every life–some of these caused by us and some the results of random events. If we did something foolish or didn’t realize the results of our choices, we can feel very badly about causing a crisis in our lives. Every one of us messes up sometimes. It’s part of existing on this planet.
Random events also happen. We certainly don’t deserve everything we must deal with. Sometimes the innocent suffer, but suffering isn’t just for the blameless.
The important thing to remember is that we need to learn from every one of these bad situations. Whatever our personal crises involves, we need to meet our challenges with an open mind. What can I learn from this? Some crisis are initiated by our own actions–by what we do or don’t do–but wallowing in regret is a waste of energy. Acknowledge the feeling. Own it, but don’t swim in it too long.
Even if we didn’t ask for these situations by making questionable choices, we still can always look to the learning. Difficult situations lead to loss, heartbreak and loneliness and these can lead to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is where we can learn. Sometimes, the greatest learning is in how we respond to challenges.
We tend to bemoan difficult situations and often blame ourselves, even when we could have done nothing to change the events. Bemoaning is understandable, but nothing is gained by beating yourself up. There are choices you’d make differently, of course. But learning from the situation can be blocked when we’re so disgusted with ourselves that we’re unable to take an objective look at where we are.
Be honest with yourself, but don’t be cruel. Finding the right balance will help you take whatever positive growth you can from your challenging moments.