Hello Dr. Doss,
I have a question/problem. I’m not sure anymore what I should be doing or not. I have a 22 year old son that lives at home and the past couple of years he has gotten in trouble and had to be in jail for 1 year, now he has been home for 3 months on parole and is trying to get his life together. My son has tried applying for jobs and once the employer runs his background check, its over..no call back no job offer. So we took anotherpath, I paid for my son to go to a trade school, not much money but hopefully it will help him get a job. Meanwhile, my household has gone very stressful… my spouse feel that I should not give my son any financial support. He feels that because when my son was in jail and I chose to hire an attorney that that should be the end of any financial help to our son.
My son’s parole officer said he could get ebt (food support) until he gets a job. So my son went and did this. He gets $200 a month in ebt, and as soon as he gets this he tells me to go buy food for the household. Great, I do appreciate it.
My spouse feels that our son should hand over this $200 because of all the money “I” spent on the attorney and that I should not give our son not one penny for personal spending, such as haircuts, shoes, clothing… I chose to give my son $75 a month for his personal needs and my spouse lost his mind when I told him this. He said I should not give him a dime…he was mad because my son said that maybe he would buy a ticket to go see a game that cost $20. I told my son as longs as he knows that it would be coming out of the $75 I give him and that he would have to budget himself the rest of the month.
I felt that $75 a month is not much and as long as my son does not use the money for reckless reasons, he should be able to go get a hair cut, buy a pair of shoes when needed or a shirt or under-clothes.
I’m not sure anymore whats is right or what is wrong..
How I see it is; I chose to hire the attorney, my son told me not to and he was just used a public defender. But I have seen how most public defenders work. They just need to get the cases closed and nothing matters. So I hired and paid for the attorney. My spouse did not give one cent to pay for this and because I chose to hire the attorney, it should not be a reason for me to stop helping my son.
I’m not sure anymore who has the issues. I am trying to be the mediator between my son and his father, but its getting harder everyday. My son gets upset when my spouse starts yelling at me because of things that I don’t agree on, and I’m worried that because of this father/son conflict, my son is going to get so frustratedthat he will fall into trouble again. Now if he gets into trouble because he is out there hanging around with a bad crowed and doing things he shouldn’t be doing…that would be his problem and I would not feel any blame to that. But if he gets frustrated with the way his father treats me and the tantrums his father has when he doesn’t agree with what I feel, and then my son goes out and gets in trouble, then I would feel the perhaps i could have prevented that.
I really need your help…not sure what to do any more.
Concerned Mother
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Dear Concerned,
First off, your son’s choices are his own. His father’s behavior cannot cause your son to get into further legal trouble, unless your son makes this choice. I can’t say that strongly enough. What he does or doesn’t do isn’t your fault or your husband’s fault, even if you have conflict between you.
Secondly, I can understand why his father is angry. You and your mate aren’t acting as a team on any of this. Despite your husband’s different opinion, you’ve made choice after choice to help your son. It is very difficult to watch your children make bad choices and to sometimes have to deal with injustices. As parents, we’re accustomed to fixing things for our kids. We jump in front of speeding cars headed our children’s way. We will lay down our lives for them. It’s natural.
But when children grow older, they need to stretch their wings and find out they are able to fly on their own. This is not always an easy process and sometimes becoming an adult is really hard. You probably struggled in this yourself when you were a new adult.
Parents need to be supportive and loving, while still allowing their kids to make stupid choices. Bad decisions lead to learning opportunities. Most of us don’t learn by watching others’ screw up. We need to do it ourselves.
Apparently, you and your husband now have a big conflict and it’s not just over your son. Your husband may have originally been on board with the way you’ve helped you son. If so, from what you’ve said, he’s now changed his mind about the best action for you both to take. Your husband is upset and angry that you’ve taken actions against his will. He thinks you’re not listening to his concerns and don’t care what he thinks. He’s right about this, for the most part.
You’ve asked for my help. I know it’s difficult to see kids’ stumble, but you need to back out of your son’s learning process and put some energy into actually listening to his father’s feelings and opinions.
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LAST DITCH EFFORT
Too many couples come in for counseling when matters have already gone too far. If you make an appointment only after someone has moved out of your home or has filed for divorce, it’s not to be expected that therapy can help you save the relationship.
Come see me before one of you decides to cheat, before you get physical, before things get so out of hand that you make choices you can’t undo.
Conflicts in relationship don’t just go away. Don’t let yourself believe this. They just go underground and poison the love between you. If the same argument plays out over and over, you have a problem. Don’t let yourself believe that “we just get over it”. This doesn’t happen.
When issues aren’t addressed, it kills the relationship. This may take years, but the result is the same.