Last week, a boy in his twenties that my daughter went to school with shot himself dead. He’d been depressed for some time. Because I know his parents, I’m fairly certain that they got help for him.
They still blame themselves for his actions.
As parents, we have a lot of impact on our kids. When they’re younger, we hold their physical lives in our hands. We feed them, care for their needs and wipe their tears when they skin their knees. Almost every parent can tell of a rush to the ER; of a night spent watching over a sick child. We are also often the ones they turn to when unhappy things happen. We get their anger and their sadness. This caregiving, watchful role is huge. Parenthood is one of the biggest jobs on this earth. Parents are huge in their children’s lives. As a result, Mother’s Day is one of the biggest gift-giving days of the year.
Just think of how many athletes mouth the words “Hi, Mom” when the television camera pans their direction.
But the parent-child relationship is very complicated. One of the hardest aspects is that, as the child grows into adulthood, we parents aren’t making the choices any longer. This is to be celebrated—we want them to become their own people—and it’s often difficult, too. Children come into this world with minds of their own, just ask anyone who’s tried to make a child eat or poop when he doesn’t want to. As they grow, kids have larger and larger choices to make. Some of these scare the heck out of their parents.
You can warn them of the dangers of driving too fast, of drinking and driving or of getting in the car with a driver who’s been drinking. You can talk about safe sex or abstinence and warn them of the physical/emotional risks inherent in sexual behavior. You talk about stranger danger when they’re young and you encourage them to tell you if anyone uses “bad touch” with them.
But you can’t make them follow any of these directions. When they’re underage, you can install monitoring devices in their cars, when they start driving, but that’s about it. Kids get to make scary choices. They make bad relationship choices (which you also did when you were young) and some make bad career/educational choices.
It’s very important for parents to remember, though, that you can’t make decisions for adult children. You don’t have this power. You can’t be completely responsible for their successes (although you may have contributed in some way) or completely at fault when they fail. They are independent people, even if they love you. You are only responsible for what you do, for your actions in the parenting role, your choices. This is big enough, as any parent will tell you.
You can’t blame yourself for their actions. It is terrible, but it’s not your fault if he pulls the trigger.