When a marriage ends, people typically have lots of emotions. Sometimes the relief they feel is mixed with sorrow; the anger and loss can be mixed with excitement. Life will definitely be different. Sadly, some individuals turn these feelings into rage, particularly if they didn’t want the marriage to end. Then, we can end up with divorces that leave nothing behind, but destruction.
Loss leads to rage and even rational, usually functional people can turn into beasts.
If you’ve been involved with one of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. Lawyers love you because you’ll spend enormous amounts of money to keep a much-loved pet from an ex or a vacation home that the two of you shared. This kind of divorce is filled with powerful emotions and it can lead those involved to taking drastic steps.
Scorched-earth divorces make headlines and sometimes in the grip of this loss, people commit felonies. Losing love is hard. It feels like a chunk of your soul has been torn out. The distress and loneleness you feel seems more bearable if it turns to rage against another person. This kind of anger indicates how much pain is inside. Relationshiops are complicated and challenging, but how you leave can directly affect your ability to move forward.
No matter what the other person has done, your most important concern is yourself. You want to move forward and to do this, you need to examine your own behavior. It’s easier to see the other person’s bad choices, but marriage is a 50/50 deal. Even if only by what you didn’t do, you contributed to the relationship. Learn the lessons you need to learn if you don’t want to be here again. Look at yourself in the cold light of day and ask yourself what you’d do differently, if you had it to do over.
“Dear Counselor,
I’m totally stuck.
My husband since recently wants me badly to get divorced just because he feels we got married so early(we got married when I was 21 and he was 23) and we didn’t taste anything in life. He says he wants to start a ‘new life’ and doesn’t wanna get married till he is fully satisfied with his desires. He says he wants to be free to do whatever he wants and doesn’t wanna be worried that someone is waiting for him.
Except financial problems, we don’t have much problems.
We live in a traditional country and since I already have one sister divorced, my mother doesn’t let me get divorced, too. What should I do?”—Totally Stuck
Dear Totally Stuck,
You mentioned what your husband has said he wants and you told me what your mother wants, but you didn’t say what you want. This is important. Your mom’s feelings are understandable—she’s concerned with her own reputation, I’m guessing—but isn’t this your choice. Did your sister need her approval to end her marriage?
As determined as your husband sounds, I can’t see how this could be a good situation for you. Being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you isn’t any fun.
You asked me what I think you should do, but I think it’s most important for you to ask yourself what you want to do? Unless this will be bad for you, end the marriage if it isn’t working for you. Even in a traditional country, you can’t live to please your mother.