The parents of adult children often come to see me in great distress over the choices their children are making. They usually want me to convince their kids of the error of their ways and I get this. These parents have lived longer and often have seen that some choices lead only to heartbreak. The harsh reality here, though, is that adult children are just that–adults. They get to make bad choices, even though their parents are pained by watching them struggle with the consequences.
As a parent of adult children, sometimes I just don’t want to know things about their lives. This sounds bad, but if I can’t change–and shouldn’t have the right to change–their scarier choices, I don’t need to be closely involved in these. It just brings pain and distress with no benefit.
Adults have the right to direct their own lives. They get to choose bad mates and make poor career choices. They even get to be bad parents. It’s a freedom that you may hate sometimes, but they deserve to direct their learning paths. Remember when you were growing into independence? Your parents probably had a lot of advice for you and, even if you later owned to the validity of what they said, you resented it at the time.
We all get to make our own mistakes, even those with horrific consequences. Watching someone you love do this is very painful. This is why I advocate selective involvment. Whether your sister is in a bad relationship with a man who yells at her and calls her demeaning names or your son is leaving what seems to you to have been a loving mate–you don’t get to make the big calls in their lives.
Still, sitting by and watching all this can be extremely difficult and we need to protect ourselves from unnecessary distress. Step back. I’m not suggesting total abandonment. I just think you need to refrain from asking questions you don’t want the answers to. You also need to avoid harping on changes you think they need to make: don’t say things over and over. I know you only do this because it seems they aren’t listening, but people don’t listen to repeated interventions, either. They just tune you out.
Try to find a middle ground. Be loving and supportive, but not directive. Lots of parents of adults tell me with indignation that their adult kids seem to need direction and I know how frustrating it is to watch people make bad choice after bad choices.
You still need to keep from saying anything, unless directly asked and, even then, make sure the asker really wants to hear what you think. Roger and I are the parents of two very intelligent girls who’ve both made bad relationship choices, at times. We’ve had to bite our lips and just keep quiet.
The truth is that your continued harping on these issues just gives your loved one a distraction–they get to focus on you and your dislike of whatever(or whoever) their doing, rather than focusing on their own actions. If you hug them and stay somewhat involved in their lives, but don’t tell them what to do, you are acting as if you believe in them. I know believing in them is hard, at this point, but if you really look inside yourself, you do believe in them. They have the capacity to direct their lives, even if they’re not doing a great job at the moment.
Love is about allowing the other person to learn what they need to learn. After all, they need to know they can stand on their own feet, that they are strong and capable.
This kind of love is a gift…and it can be very difficult for the giver.