When you were a small child, you may have had a mother or grandmother who offered to kiss your boo-boos to make them all better. Now that you’re grown up, you might wish it were that simple.
When you love someone, you want to help them through difficulties even when you could scream about all the bad choices they’re making. It’s often all jumbled up. The more you love someone, the more their foolish actions make you want to shake them. But even when your furious about whatever that loved one has done–messed up a job, got hooked on drugs or chosen the wrong mate–you still want to make it all better. It’s natural to try to find a way to make the people you care about feel less bad about whatever they’re upset about.
Even little things, like bad moods and crappy days, can bring a person down. You may realize that you have many blessings, but you can still get mad at the driver in front of you who’s poking along like they’re in a funeral procession.
Let me tell you what not to do: Don’t try to talk the angry, sad or frustrated person out of their feelings. Don’t list off all the good things in their lives. Don’t tell them they should get over it. Feeling frustrated or upset is a natural response to many situations. It makes sense.
When a well-meaning friend tries to comfort someone this way, it rarely helps. If you want to help, listen to what they feel. Don’t argue about this or say they shouldn’t feel this way. As a matter of fact, you need to reflect back to that person what you’re hearing. Use phrases that convey that you’ve heard them. It doesn’t mean you agree with everything that’s said, just that you heard.
“Wow, that must me tough.”
“I can see how that made you really mad.”
“It must be hard to know what to do.”
“You probably felt angry and helpless.”
These are reflective statements designed to convey to your loved one that you’ve been listening and you actually see their point. Be aware what you’re not saying–you’re not agreeing, you’re not condemning anyone and you’re not telling them what they should do.
Think about it–when you’re upset do you really want someone telling you what you ought to do? This is typically not what we’re seeking when we discuss challenges. After all, you are an individual with a perfectly good brain, even though you have lapses of judgement sometimes. Heck, we all have lapses of judgement sometimes.
You need to sort through your choices and possible responses to various situations and you need to decide what to do. This is your life and you’ll deal with the consequences of your actions. You should really be the one to decide. Even though you may not feel really smart sometimes or in some situations, you really have more ability than you give yourself credit for.
Sometimes people come into my office, wanting me to tell them what to do. I can’t because this is your life–it just isn’t my call. I can explore possibilities with you, reflect your feelings and help you realize what these are(it’s not always clear), but I’m not so arrogant to think that I have the right to decide how you’re going to proceed with your life.
No one can “make it all better.” You probably clued into the fact after awhile that kisses don’t make the boo-boo disappear. They just help us feel less alone and that’s a wonderful thing.