Clients frequently come into counseling, reporting problems with their mates, but saying that they need to fix themselves first. Then they plan to work on the relationship. Individual therapy is certainly your right and you can be as private in this as you like. Coming alone is sometimes a relief to people because they can talk freely, rather than choosing words that won’t upset their mates.
There is, however, no wall separating your individual self from the one in the relationship. You have to know that your personal issues impact the relationship, just as the relationship problems impact you. We can’t get out of this. So, while coming alone may seem like the best start, you might want to consider couples counseling, if there are things to address in the relationship.
Don’t think that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. It’s not possible because the power in a relationship goes both ways. Both people and their wishes matter. The power is evenly distributed, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Responsibility and power go hand in hand. Therefore, everything can’t be your fault. Not possible. If all the responsibility was yours, you’d also have all the power. This isn’t likely.
We don’t tend to live or to learn in isolation. There’s always someone else–mates, children, even co-workers–who see us at our best and worst. The individuals closest to you are the ones who’s perspective you need to listen to.
Let’s just acknowledge that some families and some couples are so disturbed and dysfunctional that the feedback offered is tainted. It’s just a reality and you can’t fix others or make your family members change(even if they really need to). You have to decide if you can find a sane way to keep them in your life or just get out. If you want to stay in your relationship, you need to learn how to handle issues there.
Big problems can be resolved in relationships. Don’t doubt this. Even very tumultuous relationships can resolve into functional patterns. People with bad, scary issues can learn to function better, if this is what they want.
We learn best in relationships. We deal with our own issues most productively when we have a mate who is just as committed to growth. Of course, it’s very important that your mate be able to hear you when you reflect their stuff back to them. Listening needs to go both ways. This is the biggest issue couples face. It may sound silly and trite, but most problems in relationships can be traced back to not understanding the other person and understanding starts with listening.