“I’m a 37 year-old single mom. A year ago, I decided to leave my boyfriend of 7 years. I have a 9 year-old son he raised and he and I have a 3 year-old daughter.
After having my daughter, I was a stay-at-home mom. My boyfriend kept me home with no car. For the past 7 years, my son and I went through verbal and physical abuse. He would hit and kick my son, call him a retard, a dumb a** and a f***tard and much more. My son has hydrocephaly, has had two strokes, has ADHD and is the size of a 5 year old. When I would stand up for my son, my boyfriend would threaten and hit me. Every time I tried to call 911, he hit the phone out of my hands before I could dial.
He never liked our daughter crying, so I nursed on demand and she’s slept with me since she was newborn. Now that we’re not together, he sleeps alone with her and it bothers me.
Since we’re not together, my son has no anger. My former boyfriend accused my son of touching my daughter inappropriately, but it has be found not to be true. He called CPS on my son, but they found nothing. They still want to take my daughter away, though, because my son and she watch cartoons together in her bed before they go to sleep at night. My son goes to his bed to sleep. My son is more into his toys than girls. He loves his sister like a brother should.
I love my kids and I don’t know why my former boyfriend is doing this. We go to court this week. This was my weekend to have my daughter, but he wouldn’t let me have her. Now he’s in contempt of court. I just hate feeling like I’m wrong when I’m just trying to be a good mom. I lost all my friends because of him. He gets people to believe him. My lawyer said it will be okay. I hate seeing my kids go through this. I thought I did the right thing by leaving. Please help.”–Hurt Mom
Dear Hurt,
You know you did the right thing by leaving. The man abused both you and your son. Abusers often control their victims and demean them, as well as, hitting them. Even though dealing with him now is difficult, it’s nothing compared to living with him.
He clearly has his own demons and that’s sad, but you now have to build a life for yourself and your kids. I know this is not a phrase commonly heard, but trust your lawyer.
If you want to effectively express your love on Valentines, pay attention to what works for your loved one. Does he crave adventure and activity? Does she buy sexy lingerie for herself? If you’ve been together any time at all, you’ll have some clues as to whether diamonds are a girl’s best friend or if she’d rather have a puppy.
The key here is to listen to your mate, to notice what gets him or her excited. Sex can be a lot of fun, but it’s not just a Valentine’s need for most people. You need to go beyond the naked moment and ask yourself–and your lover–when she felt most loved by you. Some people loved being cooked for, but not everyone cares about this. The biggest challenge here is in moving beyond what works for you and thinking about what works for your mate.
My spouse has hit the gift-giving thing out of the park more than once in our relationship. He’s also had some duds. On the other hand, he’s a tremendously loving guy regularly. One of the moments when I felt most loved by him was a mundane, non-holiday event. Out of a concern for my well-being, he took our only garage door opener out of his car and put it into mine on an evening I’d be coming home late. Little things can convey your loving thoughts and these are very important. They don’t just come once a year.
On the other hand, special celebrations can be fun and you need to have fun with your mate. Life is filled with challenging, irritating moments. Even if you’re in a loving relationship, you sometimes feel alone. Sharing fun, intimate(emotionally and physically) moments gives us strength and peace.
So, figure out what works for you…and don’t expect that to be the same thing that does it for your mate.