“My spouse and I have known each other for 10 years, but have only been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 3 year-old child. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, fun and easy, but after we had our child, it seems like things and we have changed. We argue about the smallest things. Anything! My spouse says he loves me and this I believe, but as far as trust goes, he doesn’t! He’s always questioning me, and bringing up my past (before we were together). He tries to control me and always seems to find something to pick at me about. We are on good terms and want to make our relationship work, but we don’t know what else to do. I don’t want my child growing up with parents who argue all the time, but at the same time I don’t want to take the child away from his father. I need some advice, please. I’m about ready to give up and just accept that the relationship didn’t work.”–Confused
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Dear Confused,
You said he loves you, but I’m not sure how you feel about him. If you want this relationship to work–for you, not just your child–the two of you need to learn to deal with your conflicts. This sounds obvious, but lots of people don’t do this. Instead of resolving their issues, they try to forget their arguments and get over the conflicts. This may sound like your only option, but it doesn’t work over the long haul.
You need to learn to listen to one another. Really listen to your partner’s message, not just the words. You probably think you know what he’s saying to you, but I’d be willing to bet he wouldn’t agree. Here’s a trick–take one situation and listen to him without defending yourself. Listen as if you’ll be tested over what he’s saying and even though it’s very hard, don’t defend or explain. He may throw in statements about you that are all wrong, don’t correct him.
Instead just hear what he’s trying to say. This will usually come down to hearing what he feels. You’ll need to feedback to him what you’ve heard, just to make sure you’ve got it correctly. Lots of people don’t say exactly what they mean and lots of time we don’t hear exactly what they said. Repeat back to him what you hear. Do it several times until he agrees that you’ve gotten his message. You’ve heard him.
Then–and only then–tell him what you feel about the situation. Help him to hear your side of things. Again, this may involve trying it several times before he actually gets what you’re saying.
After you’ve both talked clearly about your perspectives, you can look at the conflict as objectively as possible to find a resolution. This will involve some adjustment to one another, but resolution removes resentment.
Remember that last, if one or the other of you still feels hurt and/or resentment, you need to go back to trying to understand your experiences. The path to resolution in relationships is complicated and sadly not often achieved, but it’s really worth the effort.
In every conflict, you need to remember that you love this person. Even when you want to wring his neck, you still love him. Focusing on this sometimes gives you the strength to soldier on. Relationships are supposed to involve joy. Ask yourself if you ever have that, ever really just enjoy one another. Sometimes the stress and the issues have built up to the point that it’s hard to like each other. At that point, you may not have anything left for the relationship. You may be done.
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This life is sometimes challenging and you feel alone. When the stressors get intense, as they sadly do at this “joyous” time of year, we tend to turn to things that give us temporary pleasure. Sadly, the little pleasures can kill you if you’re not careful.
In this nation, we have an epidemic of obesity. While we have to look at factors like high fructose corn syrup that insidiously make us want to eat more, we also need to see the emotional aspect of over-eating. When we’re sad, we eat to feel better. When we’re mad or lonely, we eat to feel better, only the eating makes us feel sluggish and guilty and doesn’t really work for us.
I personally have always had a complicated relationship with sugar. Sad, when you think about it. What I do to “get happy” doesn’t really make me happy, though.
The same things can be said for alcohol. Individuals drink to get happy, to change how they feel. Whether this is a celebratory occasion or a sad one, we often hear “I need a drink” like this is a medicinal choice. Some people smoke for the pleasure it gives them. One of the brightest men I know–who’s actually in the medical field and knows the data–indulges himself in expensive cigars almost every day.
We need to remind ourselves that our “little pleasures” don’t actually give us pleasure. Whether the size of the swimsuit increases or we’re drinking to the point of making social blunders, these habits don’t give us as much enjoyment as we’ve thought.
Let’s face it, sometimes life just sucks. Whether you’re mad at your parent or disappointed in your spouse or massively frustrated with your exceptional child who’s failing Social Studies, eating, drinking or smoking doesn’t really solve any of these.
We do it, trying to feel better at the moment. Science tells us taking a walk around the block will do more good. We should try that.