GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I was physically abused by my husband years ago to the point of barely surviving and my in-laws filed for custody of my 2 year-old daughter while I was in the hospital recovering. They won custody and took her away to another state. Because of her father’s abuse, I was told I couldn’t have her because it put her in danger. I wasn’t told where she was and now she’s 27. I finally found her living in the same state! We met and soon after I was invited to her house. I was thrilled! Unfortunately after I arrived I received a cold shoulder and felt that she wasn’t interested in me. I left and tried to call, getting through once. Afterward, I was shut out.
I have been wanting to find her all these years only to live my worst fear, her rejection. How can I reach her without telling her bad things about her father?I want her to accept me as her birth mother. She won’t even accept a phone call from me and I don’t know why. I sense it is resentment for me not being there for her. Her father is dangerous and I am afraid of him. She wasn’t told about the past, so everything is still tricky because he lives close to her. Is there a future for me and my daughter?”–Distressed Mother

Dear Distressed Mother,

There might be a future relationship for you and your daughter, but you have to respect her right to work this through. Remember, from her point-of-view, you abandoned her. She’s angry, sad and confused. All understandable. She doesn’t have all the facts, either.

You didn’t say whether or not she has a relationship with her father now. This could muddy things up, too.

Give the girl a break.

I don’t know what you expected when you finally had contact with your daughter, but it isn’t reasonable or fair to think that she’d hug you and take you in immediately as her long-lost, much-loved mom. Her cold shoulder was probably a result of her trying to deal with it all. She deserves time to process all this, to sort it through and make sense of the mess.

I recommend that you send her a letter, expressing your understanding of her mixed feelings and saying that you want whatever contact with her that she’s ready to give. Don’t bash her dad or your in-laws in the letter. Just tell her you respect her right to have whatever contact she wants…and then wait. If she does contact you for lunch or some other limited interaction, take it. Don’t push for more than she’s ready to give.

I realize none of this seems fair. After all, you were the abused one. You didn’t get to raise your daughter and you’re now possibly in the role of enemy. It’s totally not fair, but this is what you’re dealing with.

Should she contact you and want to begin establishing a relationship–think taming a wild animal–proceed with caution. Respect her and the life she’s built for herself. At some point, however, it is important that you tell her about her father’s abuse. She deserves the facts and she might be able to hear them if you refrain from defending yourself and just give the information. Remember, she’s an adult and she’s probably had her share of difficult relationships, too. Maybe not to the point of physical abuse, but she’ll probably have had some challenging moments.

* * *

Give yourself a break. You probably have a skill that you don’t even consider. Individuals tend not to consider those things that come easiest to them–“no big deal”. But your ability isn’t shared by everyone.

My husband has a high Kinesthetic intelligence–you know, like the great athletes? They jump and move their bodies in amazing ways. Roger is dismissive of his abilities because he doesn’t think they’re as great as some and because he’s accustomed to always having had this. I, on the other hand, am not Kinesthetic. My intelligence lies in other areas.

Low self-esteem is a significant issue for many and part of this problem is that we don’t have accurate assessments of ourselves. We dismiss those things we do well and tend to exaggerate our limitations. Having an accurate self-assessment is very important. We don’t have every skill, but we need to see the ones we do have.

Having an accurate self-image allows us to work on the areas we struggle in and to accept the areas where we do well. Some skills will never be within my reach, but I’m good at some things and this is true of us all.