“I need some advice about issues with by girlfriend’s children that are 16, 19 & 20 and her mother, who lives with us. I find that the children and mother-in-law are lazy and I am constantly having to clean up after them with many issues, such as towels left on counters, and mostly dishes. Many times I have cleaned a sink full of dishes and the kitchen, just to go back to the kitchen an hour later and find that the kids have finally brought dirty dishes from their rooms and just left them in the sink. I have asked them repeatedly to put their dishes in the dishwasher, just to hear them say that that this isn’t their chore and that if we wanted them to do that, we need to pay them chore money.
Am I being too picky, asking them to clean up after themselves? This is what my girlfriend and her mother tell me?–PK
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Dear PK,
Nope, you’re not being too picky, but clearly your asking the kids to change their ways isn’t helping. Who will clean up after them when they move out on their own? Two are already legally adults and the third is so close to adult that she’d be tried as one if she committed a major crime.
You’re in a tough spot, though, and the biggest problem isn’t with your girlfriend’s kids, it’s with you and her.
I’m going to guess that you love your girlfriend or you wouldn’t continue living in such an uncongenial state, but the two of you really need to start addressing some of the problems within the home. You obviously don’t have a clear understanding of the structure in the home and haven’t decided who is responsible for what.
There may be things you didn’t mention–like you possibly being unemployed while she, her mother and the kids are all working outside the home. In that case, the employed mate sometimes feels the unemployed mate should pick up the slack at home. But this may not be the case at all. Regardless of other factors, you and the girlfriend as the adults in the home–mother-in-law aside–are the foundation of this blended family. If you work together, you’ll have a much more harmonious home. If not, you get conflict like the one you’re having.
Housework–who does it, when it’s done and how clean a home is kept–is one of the biggest conflicts couples face. This is a bigger deal than most people feel like it should be, but many relationship issues come into play here. You need to have a serious discussion about how you want the home kept. Don’t always assume everyone feels the same about cleanliness as you. There’s a huge range. Some highly intelligent people just don’t care. They do their laundry when they run out of socks and underwear, not before. They wash dishes when there’s nothing clean left to use. Others are appalled by this, feeling dishes should be cleaned immediately after use and laundry done on a regular schedule.
You and your girlfriend need first to talk about and resolve how you want to keep your environment. I like making my bed; my husband doesn’t care. Not everyone feels the same. Then when this is worked out, you need to deal with the issue of who does what. Some people are used to cleaning up after their children; others give the kids extensive chores.
In this case, your girlfriend might want to ask herself if she’s really being a helpful parent. I believe that allowing young adults to maintain irresponsible, self-defeating behaviors is the opposite of love. Your girlfriend isn’t doing her kids any favor by continuing to pick up after them. Real life doesn’t usually provide maid service and they’ll find this out soon enough.
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When one of my daughters started her medical degree, she lived with her dad and I, just having left a relationship. Medical school is incredibly difficult, requiring a huge amount of study and effort. So caring for regular life chores fell on our shoulders. We cleaned up after her kitten, did the grocery shopping and took care of her laundry as well as ours.
She was starting medical school, for heaven’s sake.
But then after six months or so under our roof, she found a roommate with a small house close to the school and she moved out. We missed her and worried that she’d have too much on her plate, but in reality, the girl needs to do her own laundry. There’s something empowering about maintaining the regular rhythms of life whether it’s laundry, filling your car’s tank with gas or buying groceries.
In truth, we parents sometimes just want to be helpful. Yes, kids are sometimes frustrating, annoying jerks, but most parents have no problem going out of their way to assist their kids in being more successful. It’s what we want. We just need to realize that in addition to creating friendships and dating relationships, taking care of themselves is part of kids learning to be an adult.
It’s important that children believe in their own capacity. They need to know they can work through issues and deal with the tough stuff that comes their way. Don’t get me wrong, parents are still really, really important. Recently my daughter told me in a matter-of-fact voice that her dad is absolutely the best dad ever. And he is. He fills her car’s tank with gas and gets the oil changed when it’s due. He takes walks with her when she comes over, asks about her studies and always is interested in what she’s doing. When she had her first fender-bender a year of so ago, we both rushed to the spot in response to her call.
We love her enough to know she needs to make her way in the world, though, and to be sure of her own strength. You don’t get that by someone else always doing things for you.