MESSED UP MOM | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I am 35 years old. I have five children from 3 different fathers. I was married to…a man who was a little too fond of drinking. My first husband is the father of my two oldest daughters. I am now remarried and we’re approaching our 3rd anniversary. My present husband is the father of the youngest two children. The child in the middle has a father who has never been part of his life. My current husband is the only father he’s ever known.

I know I have too much baggage that I carry from previous relationships. I try every day to work through my own issues. My husband has issues himself and, as a result, we have a less than healthy relationship. To be honest, I really feel that the only thing keeping either of us in the relationship is the kids and the fact that neither of us wants to be the one to throw in the towel. I am struggling now with anxiety and depression. I want to make my life better, but I do not know how. Quite frankly, I do not feel my husband is willing to put in the effort to try to make things better. Everyone in the house is miserable.

Recently there are behavior issues with my 13 year-old daughter. She takes on a lot, being the oldest of five. She ends up being the “assistant mom” most of the time. She has told me that her behavior issues are a result of her feelings toward my husband. She does not want to live here anymore and she’s asked her father to take me to court to get custody of her unless things change. I have to say, I don’t blame her. It hurts, but the truth does sometimes. This is not a place anyone WANTS to be. Our life is not a happy one. We ALL deserve better. I want to give my family the happiness we all deserve. I just don’t know how. I know things need to change. I am just so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I feel that I am in this alone. Please help. Life is too short to be unhappy.”–Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

You’ve had at least three relationships that didn’t work. You’re really not alone in this. Intimate relationships and parenting are the two hardest things we do on this earth.

In any family the basis for family interaction is the relationship between the parents. You and your husband’s problems are a big part of this and YOU deserve better. Either get counseling with him or go by yourself. You’re right–life is too short to be this unhappy.

The other issue you right about is that of your 13 year old daughter saying she wants to live with her dad. Part of this desire is probably the issues in your current marriage, but I’m guessing that’s not the only thing. Your daughter’s position as the “assistant mom” has contributed to this. I understand how with five kids, you’ve needed some assistance sometimes, but your 13 year old didn’t make the choice to have this size family, you did.

You might want to talk with your 13 year old’s father and consider allowing her to live with him. Dads deserve their children as much as mothers do. If her dad is stable and he wants her to live with him, why not? Fathers are very important to daughters. The research indicates that these relationships can effect daughters staying in school longer and whether or not they get pregnant early.

Let her go live with him. Yes, you’ll miss her terribly and you’ll hate not having her help, but she might need this experience. Her dad certainly needs both the opportunity and the responsibility of doing his share of the parenting.

You feel overwhelmed and you deserve to talk with a therapist who can help you see your options. If money is an issue–so true for many at this time–look around for sliding scale or low cost therapy.

* * *

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. No matter how hard you may try, this isn’t a possibility because human error is built in. When too much focus is given on never making parenting mistakes, there is a tendency to measure your parenting success by the choices your children make.

This is scary and it messes up everyone’s personal power. Kids have their own choices–small ones at first and then bigger and bigger ones. You can’t control these and you’d be robbing the child of learning if you tried. We have a sad tendency to measure ourselves by what our children do. (Just look at the furor over the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom)

I came at the parenting thing from another angle–I never expected to be perfect. I was acutely aware of my own parents’ issues and I didn’t want to push mine on my kids, but kids can’t be UNaffected by their parents. My daughters have stumbled their way toward their own personal learning, which we all do. I’ve tried with some success–and some failure–to stay out of the way in their learning process. Sometimes I’ve been a great parent, sometimes not so great.

My husband and I have been accused of being over-involved and we are trying very hard to find the right place in their lives. The worst scenario for children appears to be a combination of over-involved and neglectful(at the same time) parents. Those who try to get their kids out of the consequences of their own actions, then go back to completely ignoring the kid. This is sad for everyone.

Parents who most benefit their kids actually facilitate independence, while hanging around to provide love and support. This is really hard. It involves watching and being impacted by that over which you have no control. In this scenario, you watch their mistakes–sometimes knowing they’re bad choices–and you still love the kids and believe in them. Believe they’ll sort it through. Believe they can manage their lives successfully.

I’ve learned through hard experiences not to offer feedback unless it’s requested and, even then, I’m careful.

Parenting is a complex, challenging endeavor that can offer great rewards. It’s a helluva hard job.