Parents want them and most kids want to be them, but its a not necessarily a good thing to be The Good Kid. Most families have one of these, the kid who always does what their parents want–at least when they’re observed–and get most of the parental kudos. These are the ones who take pride in trying the hardest and shining the brightest.
Parents brag about their accomplishments and these don’t often make mistakes, but this position isn’t usually the best for the kid. Their always good in comparison to the sibling who is the bad kid. This places a wedge between siblings that sometimes never heals.
In family after family, the story is the same–good kids tend to bear more responsibility and they can earn parental admiration for never screwing up or not causing their parents anxiety. The other kids in the family usually know which one has this position and, even if they rely on the good child, they tend to resent them.
Good children bear the weight of never messing up when most of life’s best lessons involve messing up. That is sadly how most individuals learn. We make choices that work for us and choices that don’t. The difference between these helps us see the best path(unless some well-meaning adult steals our learning opportunities by stepping in to clean up our mistakes). The position of good child tends to lead to deception on the child’s part, too, because they’re trying hard to hang on to the coveted position. When they step out on the wild side, they make sure their parents know nothing about it.
Good children the world over spend their younger years trying to make everything okay for their parents and in this they feel a need to hide their own missteps. In the absence of strong parenting, they can feel the need to become parental themselves. There are big consequences for a parentified child. They are bossy with younger kids and they brown-nose adults with whom they want to ingratiate themselves.
The problems with this position linger into adulthood, but the perks don’t usually follow. Good children feel defined by this position and they don’t want to give up their limited power. Who wants to be dethroned? Some take role into adulthood, seeking careers that continue the always-good position; for example minister, police officers, and helping professions. These roles can be very valuable, but continuing to suppress your own inclinations and stay in the role the good kid can be limiting.
Parents need to look hard at their actions with their children. We tend to smile on the child who doesn’t give trouble, but to step in to clean up messes for the “less-able” child. The one that screws up the most and seems to need assistance. Whether these are the kids who develop drug and alcohol problems or has bad relationships from which you must rescue them, think hard before you step in. The good child will feel angry and unacknowleged–possibly chastising you for using their inheritance and your good will on the bad child–and the bad child is weakened by your lack of belief in his or her ability to clean up their own messes.
Parents feel bad when they prefer one child over the other, but they need to go beyond just trying to make sure the Will is fair. They need to examine themselves and the family they created to find understanding of these dynamics.
Don’t stay stuck in being the good child. You don’t need this role to be a good person or to achieve those things you want in your life, even if letting go of it can be very difficult.
I needed to read this when *I* was a kid!