DEFAULT RELATIONSHIPS

Being alone can be a relief after a bad relationship, but most of us don’t want to live our lives without a partner. Being with someone can be difficult, though. Most individuals would rather have a significant other than be alone. Just look at all the dating websites that have sprung up in the last few years and you’ll have an indication of both the difficulty of being half of a couple and the human desire to have someone special in your life. This conflict has led to an increasing number of relationships in which you do more than settle. I’m not talking about the decision you make to deviate from your list of “Perfect Mate” qualities. This list is understandable, but hardly realistic, given that you probably wouldn’t fit your own criteria. Lots of people make these lists and end up tossing them aside as reality intrudes. You may not end up with someone who has perfect teeth and perfect hair, but you need to consider more than this in order to truly connect with a potential mate. On more than one occasion, couples have come in for therapy with the same situation…they argue and fight over many issues and do this with a seeming lack of liking one another. Don’t get me wrong, when in a big disagreement with a partner, most of us don’t like our mates much, even if you’re in love the partner. In some relationships, though, couples don’t share much. They have differing values and goals and may not share interests in common. They don’t make each other laugh much. When asked, they report not valuing much about the relationship…but they stay. Couples therapy is a process in which conflicts are addressed and the strengths in a relationship pointed out. Conflict resolution is encouraged and assisted. Basically, I want the couple to know how to deal with issues that arise between them. I want them not to need me. Successful therapy means working my way out of a job. In some couples, however, this process hits a big barrier. Some couples come in disliking one another and seem to lack both the motivation and ability to move through problems to a resolution. And yet, here’s the hard part–the unhappy mates don’t leave the relationship. They just stay and gripe an one another. When asked about this, people often report that they don’t want to be alone. Default relationship. Even a bad connection is better than no connection at all. At least this way, you have someone to fight with. Ugly, unhappy interaction is still interaction. In default relationships, you’ve given up hope of finding a better match. You’ve generally found a bunch of failure in intimate interactions with others and you’ve chucked the idea that you can find someone with whom you’ll actually be happy, or you’ve decided you won’t be happy with anyone else, so it’s better to be unhappy with someone. In this kind of situation, individuals complain to me about a variety of things they don’t like in their mate and then, when asked about the good, offer very faint praise. “Well, he means well….” “At least she doesn’t cheat….” “Oh, he can be okay sometimes….” I’m never quick to judge the value a person gets out of a relationship. This isn’t my job. If they’re interacting, they’re getting something out of it, but anyone in this kind of relationship needs to ask themselves whether they’re there because they have no belief in finding/creating a happier, healthier interaction. Maybe you stay in this relationship because you don’t have faith in yourself. As I’ve said way too often (one of those things my kids mouth behind my back)–relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. That and be parents. Never judge yourself for struggling with this. We ALL struggle with this, at times, and many of us struggle much of the time, trying to connect with intimate partners. But default relationships are, in their nature, doomed to continue our defeat. You can’t work your way out of a bad match just by trying harder. If big, big issues lie between you two and you struggle to deal with conflicting values, the prognosis can be dim. If you want very different lives and don’t really like each other much, staying connected is hollow at best. While some individuals date/marry/live with partners they don’t dislike, but aren’t in love with, they need to ask themselves if they’re doing anybody good. A not in love with relationship may offer occasional sex and have the benefit of another beating heart somewhere in the home, you really deserve better. You and your partner deserve to be valued and to be in love. Don’t give up on yourself.