DON’T WANT SEX? FEEL UNDER-LOVED? | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I am 32 years old and I am married to a wonderful man. However, I find myself not wanting to have sex at all. He begs me and I just don’t want it. But if he initiates, then I get into it. Now I just don’t find myself getting aroused easily. It’s just easier for me to say no.”–Why Don’t I Want It?

Dear Why Don’t I,

Sex in a relationship can be very complicated. There are physical factors that should be checked out, but the majority of sexual issues come back to unresolved problems in the relationship. You didn’t mention how the two of you deal with conflicts or what stuff really hasn’t been resolved. If there are no indications of illness, you need to consider the relationship aspect of the problem. The fact that you once had a good sexual interaction rules out to some degree that one or both of you have had some earlier traumatic event that interferes with healthy sexual function now.

Ask yourself what irritates you about this “wonderful man”. He may be a perfectly fine guy, but he’s not perfect. Being married means you see him warts and all, just as he sees you. Sometimes the warts have to be dealt with before emotional and sexual intimacy can be experienced.

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“I’m looking for advice on how to deal with stepchildren. I have a 12 year-old stepson and a 14 year-old stepdaughter. We used to have a good relationship, but when I didn’t go along with their program and allow them to get away with a number of things, I became the enemy. Also, when they visit their mom and they return home, they behave as if it is our fault that their mom is in the mess she is in. Please help, I feel like I hate them and want them out of our lives, but their dad loves them to death” –Distressed Stepmother

Dear Distressed,

Of course he loves them. He’s their dad and they’re his kids. The reality is that parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this world and step-parenting is particularly difficult. It’s only natural to want the kids to like you and to be fair about things, but this may not be the case.

You need to understand a couple of things. They are, of course, very concerned about their mother. They love her, just as your husband loves them. It’s natural and if she’s struggling, they will naturally want to defend her and maybe even to blame others for her problems.

We usually want to believe only the best about those we love.

The other thing that needs to be said is that parenting isn’t always the friendliest job. All parents come to realize they can’t be their kids’ best bud. Sometimes kids need you to be tough with them. Make them go to the dentist, do their homework and earn some of their benefits (they have to learn about adulthood sometime). Kids like none of this and parents get to be the enforcer. We ground them, take away their phones when called for and refuse to let them do things that don’t seem safe.

As the step-parent, you also need to be aware that it generally works best for the biological parent to do most of the heavy lifting. These are his kids and he needs to be the strong arm when dealing with their issues. I’m not saying that step-parents aren’t important or that they shouldn’t have a say–they should, but he needs to be the one getting most of the heat from the kids. It’s just his role.

Parents are generally party-killers…and that’s part of the job.

Your step-kids may resent you, at times, but your love for their father and your hope for your own well-being means you need to avoid casting them in the role of enemy. You don’t have to like them all the time–we don’t always like the ones we love–but you have to be fair and reasonable. If you can’t function for their best good, you probably don’t need to be married to their father.

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Do you ever feel Under-Loved? This is an experience you may have every now and then, even if you’re in a relationship that you feel is good most of the time. There are times, however, when your significant other doesn’t act like he cares about you or what you want. Your birthday or anniversary is missed, he doesn’t say he loves you when he hangs up the phone (or any other time, for that matter) or he doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with just you.

If Valentines Day is typically a disappointment or if she’s missed an event that’s important to you, you don’t feel cared for. In relationships, we have times when we don’t feel like we’re at the top of our mates’ list. This is not okay. If you don’t talk about it–yes, sometimes you’re just being over-sensitive, but sometimes, you have a point–things will get worse. Once unaddressed disappointments enter into the relationship picture, things start going downhill.

Too many people lose relationships because they don’t talk about issues. Maybe it’s silly. Maybe not. If issues come around again and again, they need discussion. The under-loved moments need to be out-weighed by the really-loved moments for a relationship to be worthwhile.