RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

K writes,

“I have been divorced for five years. My adult children (32 and 24) live with their mom. I remarried and divorced since then. The problem I ran into is that my adult children were home-schooled and did not get a solid education…just recently obtaining their GED’s. I get along good with my children’s mom and treat her more like a sister than anything else. Neither one of us want on any level to get back together. I’ve been working closely with both children over the last year and, although they have their GED’s, only one has a driver’s license.

The problem I have now is that my now second ex-wife did not want me to go anywhere near my ex-wife’s home. Since my two adult children still live with their mom, they feel as if I am shutting them out of my life by not coming to see them there. I have tried to reduce the number of times I go, but this did not calm my second wife’s feelings. We divorced after just seven months of marriage. I still love her very much, but feel as if she is making me choose between her and my children. I have told her that I could not promise that I would not go, but would only go if I really felt I needed to and I invited her to go with me, if I did. She wants no part of it and feels that I am putting my children and ex before her and how she feels. My second wife had never had children and is 18 years younger than me. Yes, she is just five years older than my oldest child. I try to understand how she feels about the situation, but I cannot bring myself to do what she asks and not go to their house again. Any advice would be appreciated.”–Struggling with Ex-Wife & Kids

Dear Struggling,

Okay, here goes–you asked for any advice, but you may not like what I have to say. This woman who you refer to as your second ex-wife has no right to say anything about your relationship to your children. No, it’s not unreasonable that you want to see your kids, even if they still live with their mother.

And you’re still acting like you’re married to her. Hello! You divorced after only seven months. You may still be seeing one another, but the marriage has legally been declared dead. You didn’t ask about this, but I’m going out of a limb to say that marriages with an 18 year age difference don’t have much of a success rate.

Be a parent. It sounds like you’re doing your best to get your kids autonomous–able to function on their own.

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“Hi, I have three properties. Two are on five acres. I originally had seven houses and a good business, but a state agency closed my business and I lost three houses to foreclosure in 2006. My children helped me buying one house and paying thousands to save the houses I have now. After those three houses were foreclosed on, I made a real effort to rent my other three houses. Although the rents helped me pay on my loans, the banks increased the payments. A solution to my problem is to refinance. This would save me more than $2,000 a month.

Because of my limited income and previous foreclosure, I do not qualify for a new loan and I am in danger of losing my last three houses.

My two children have good credit and salaries. My son makes $15,000 a month and my daughter has $8,000 a month. I asked them to co-sign with me for refinancing, but surprisingly both refused. My question is this–are my children okay to refuse to refinance and to allow our houses to be foreclosed on? I mention that no money is required from them. Just their credit.”–Trying to Avoid Foreclosure

Dear Foreclosure,

You’re in a tough financial spot, but your children aren’t responsible for this. These are rough times for many, but your kids didn’t create the financial problem, you did. Credit histories are precious. If they don’t want to risk having to bail you out again–they’ve done this once already–they don’t need to co-sign on your loans.

You call these houses our properties, but you bought the houses. You are the landlord, collecting rents and dealing with the hassles and rewards of that role. These are your houses and it’s your problem. Although there’s often an emotional bond between parents and kids, kids don’t owe parents anything (they didn’t ask to be born into your care) and your children have already helped you financially. You don’t get to keep sucking on that teat forever. You need to cope with your own financial situation yourself.

This is a tricky situation–we don’t have control over the people we love, but we’re often affected by what happens to them. This part of love sucks.

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We do the things we do in relationship, not because of or for the other person–we do what we do for us. This sounds selfish to a lot of folks, but it’s selfish only in the sense that you’re taking care of you. This doesn’t mean you don’t care for others. You’re impacted by their choices if you love them. Truthfully, what’s good for you can’t be bad for them…or it isn’t really good for you.

You hurt when they hurt. You get mad when they’re mistreated.

Never think that you should be able, then, to control their actions or choices. They live their lives. You live yours. You cannot make their choices, only yours. This is the key we sometimes miss