“I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and my sister is twelve years older. Our father passed away eight years ago and we were a close family when he was around. He was the one who brought everyone together for family functions and holidays. Since his passing, my brother has taken over the family business and has poured himself into running it. He is rather clueless when it comes to what is going on around him and within our family. My sister resents that he took over the business. She wanted it sold. There is tension between them because of this. My sister lives several states away and is so busy she barely makes time to come home to visit. My brother won’t make any effort to see her because he feels like we aren’t that important to her. As the youngest, I am stuck in the middle. It hurts that I don’t get to see my sister often, as she frequently cancels planned visits. It also hurts that my brother resents my sister and her husband and feels like they don’t care about us. I would just like to know what to do to bring my family back together. Being the youngest, they don’t listen to me, so talking to them about this is hard. Any advice would be helpful.”–Lack of Sibling Communication
Dear Lack,
Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you’ve lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.
You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them–not as a bridge–but because they’re important to you. You can’t scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her “busy-ness“, make efforts for getting together and don’t act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she’s offering. Don’t always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she’s more likely to have some time to spend with you.
Family interaction isn’t automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve–or not–their issues themselves. Even if you weren’t the youngest, you can’t fix this for them.