Sibling relationships can go one of two ways–you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they’re bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.
To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others–for reasons that are unclear–never really make a connection in the first place.
It’s hard to fathom the side you didn’t grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.
Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions–at yourself. It’s too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you’ve contributed to the problems.
Sometimes parents–their last years, their demises or their wills–break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.
Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I’d rather be part of the problem. At least if you’re part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there’s not much you can change to make it better.)
The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all–respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren’t Dexter–and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn’t necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.
We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.
The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths–different religions or no religion at all–acknowledge that person’s right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you’re seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn’t mean they think you’re wrong in your choices.