Before anyone accuses me of being anti-family, let me say that I think family is very important…but maybe not the most important thing, depending on your family.
Having loving supportive parents and siblings is a wonderful luck of the draw. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into families that encourage and add to their lives. Other individuals–through no fault of their own–are born into families with emotional issues or with chemical dependency problems. Sometimes the people to which you’re biologically-connected are a burden or a threat to your personal sanity and safety. Luck of the draw.
This isn’t a deserved thing.
We have a tendency, though, to think that our family situation is about us. It’s true that you have a part in your relationships. Thank heavens, we get a say-so. Whether you are loving or mean to the people in your family is your choice. Our behavior matters and we aren’t just victims of the families into which we’re born. But, you have nothing to do with how the members of your family behave. You also can’t change them.
The tricky part comes in when your family members exhibit behavior that doesn’t seem loving.
Love is sometimes challenging and painful(streeeetttttcccchhhhing you), but never harmful. If you don’t find any value in a family relationship–if you wouldn’t have anything to do with these people if you weren’t related–you really need to examine why you maintain the connection. Sometimes, the people you expect to love you, don’t. Not really. They don’t take your best interests into account or put your personal development at a high premium.
So, maybe you’re not loved by the people who share your DNA.
Shocking suggestion, I know, but one that needs to be mentioned. Biology does not determine connection. Just ask a child who’s been neglected or abused by a biological relative. Love is an action, not biology and not just words. I like words and I think verbal communication is very important to relationships, but let’s be clear: love is about action. If behavior doesn’t reflect love, then you’re not loved.
To some individuals, biology seems so vital that they can’t imagine not having involvement with family members, even when the interaction is conflicted. However, relationships need to be based on something more than DNA. Not looking at and taking into account the nature of your relationship can limit you and your growth.
Sometimes, in some situations, families are toxic. They negatively impact your emotional and mental health. When this is the case, you need to consider ending the relationship. Before you come to this conclusion look at your actions–the stuff you’re doing to contribute to the problems. Change what you need to change–that’s your power. Then, if you can’t alter the unhealthy interaction, you need to stop it. As harsh as that sounds, if your family is hurting you, stop interacting with them.