A reader in the military writes:
“I am currently deployed to Afghanistan and my husband is deployed to Iraq. I received an email yesterday from him stating that he has a six month old son. We have only been married for 12 months. He said it happened before we got married, but we have a 10 month old daughter together. I’m really confused and I need some help…. This is very depressing. I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I know that I really love my husband and I want to fight for our marriage, but where do I begin? What should I do?”
He’s the one who needs to do something. You guys had been married six months when his other child was born? And he didn’t mention this to you at the time? Of course, he might not have known about the birth until recently, but even so, something isn’t right here.
With the timing you mention, your husband had to be having sex with another woman during the time he was having sex with you. There are lots of issues involved in this situation. Were the two of you in a supposedly-monogomous relationship at the time? If so, he betrayed that commitment when he got it on with the other woman. You’re in a rough situation already–in the military in a war zone–and now you are struggling with this betrayal.
Let me say right up front that his infidelity is not your fault. This may seem obvious to some, but the cheated-on mate frequently wonders if she or he didn’t do something, or didn’t do it right or good enough–and therefore pushed the other mate into stepping out on her. No. Not your fault. No matter what you did or didn’t do. Your husband made the decision to get involved in a sexual relationship with someone other than you. His choice.
Acknowledge your anger with him. It’s very, very reasonable, even if you don’t feel particularly reasonable right now.
You want to fight for the marriage and are wondering what to do, but the first question has to be directed to your husband: Does he want this marriage? The relationship can only be repaired if both individuals are willing to work on it and then he has to be honest with you about his involvment with the other woman. He can’t just say “It happened before we were married.” Sex doesn’t just happen. Pants were unzipped.
If he wants the relationship and is willing to acknowledge his own bad behavior, then you can begin to repair your trust. This is really difficult to do even when you’re in the same house and you two aren’t in the same country. It’s very understandable that you’d have fears that he’s being unfaithful now.
It’s a general reality that infidelity doesn’t happen in a marriage when everything is great. (Still not blaming you for his actions.) The problems that existed between you two before the marriage have to be resolved before you can move forward with any hope that cheating won’t happen again.