REJECTION SUCKS…BUT ITS SURVIVABLE | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

First a response to someone who solicited it:

S. writes “I’m a 30 year-old Muslim, married a month ago. I saw my wife only one time and, at that time, I was satisfied with her, but then I got her photo and I wasn’t fully satisfied when I saw it. I informed my parents I was forced into marriage by them. My problem is that after the marriage, I am not satisfied with her appearance…. I am thinking about divorce. Please help me.”–Unhappy in Arranged Marriage

How you handle this has to do with what you want out of the marriage. Your cultural background has viewed marriage as a contract within which you raise children and deal together with whatever comes in life. On the other hand, the romantic view of marriage sees the commitment as a source of physical and emotional connection. You may be torn between these two. Whichever angle you come from, it’s good to find your mate sexually attractive.

Your dislike of your wife may have to do with feeling forced into the union. Feeling forced isn’t typically a great aphrodesiac. It doesn’t usually make you want to get your groove on, even if the wife chosen is a hottie.

Maybe your struggle with this has to do with your relationship with your parents and a dislike of them always telling you what to do. This kind of conflict again can stem from clashing cultures. Some cultures have long believed that parents are the best judges of the mates for their children. Other cultures, however, really stress the need for individual choice (Don’t think the parents in these cultures always agree with their children’s choice of mate, though!)

You may also not want to disappoint your parents. In the culture you come from parents tend to be seen as individuals who are deserving respect and who know best because they have lived longer than you. Whatever angle of the conflict you come from it is important to sort out your experience before you take major action.

I don’t think a decision as major as divorce should be made quickly. You’re probably still getting to know your mate and you’re certainly still adjusting to the married state. Take a little while and ponder this before deciding what you do. Remember, many happy marriages involve less than physically beautiful people and still include really hot sex. Very physically attractive people aren’t always the nicest people, either. Looks aren’t everything.

If you do divorce her, your wife may want to read the following…

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Rejection is tough and can’t be totally avoided in life. You can try, but chances are that you’re going to bump into people who don’t like you. Or you might have a lover who decides he doesn’t love you, after all.

This never feels good and usually hurts a ton. Even if you’re mad at the rejector, you still don’t like people treating you as if you don’t matter. It’s important, though, that you take a hard, somewhat objective look at the situation.

It may not be about you, at all.

Whether you’ve asked a great guy out on a date and he says no or you’ve applied for a job and didn’t get it, you need to see that there’s more to these situations than your worth. Usually lots more. The great guy might have gotten back with his ex, may have decided to enter the priesthood or may just not feel all that into you. Even the last doesn’t mean you’re not really attractive to a bunch of other people. Dating connections have to do with many, many factors, as do job hiring and firing.

It may not be about you.

Of course, it may actually be partially about some aspect of you, which is the learning part of rejection(still sucking, of course). The learning part is what you can take out of the situation. Striving to be objective is imperative here. If your breath is bad (this could be part of the reason why the great guy decided to go elsewhere), you need to know. If you didn’t get the job, there may be an area of training that you need to fill a gap in your knowledge–you need to know this, too.

Rejection feels really bad, but it can have a upside. You’ll hopefully not seek it out, but you can usually learn from it.