GIVING HIM UP… | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

Responding first to readers have asked for help:

“I am a 22 year old single mother and I have a two year old son. I was not ready for my son when I became pregnant. I love my son a lot, but lately I have not been able to deal with all the whining that he’s been doing. He whines about every little thing and, due to the other stresses that I have no job, no money, I just can’t take it anymore. I’m to the point that I want to give him up for adoption. I have no more patience left. How do I deal with all of this.” B.T.

First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Young children are very demanding–a sentiment you don’t find on Mother’s Day cards. There are programs that attempt to help young parents deal with the stresses, but that doesn’t seem to be what you wrote about.

Adoption is a very loving option. Never doubt this. There’s a lot of publicity about teens who keep their newborns and this is an option, but it’s not for everyone. Raising a child demands a lot. It can limit your educational and financial possibilities and make you feel crazy. Even more mature parents feel like doing harm to kids–hopefully they don’t, but they feel like it.

Whether or not you terminate a pregnancy, give your child up for adoption or keep it and try to move forward is a very, very personal choice. Don’t let other voices try to steer you in a certain direction. This is something you get to–and have to–decide. Kids deserve loving care. If you’re still a kid yourself, it’s hard to give this to an infant.

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“A concerned friend of my teen daughter forwarded to me a text message she received from my daughter today. In the text message, my daughter indicates she can’t take any more and today will be the last day she sees her. The source of the problem…rumors and some “just plain mean” girls at the school. This is not the first time this has happened…. My daughter has…unrealistic (maybe) expectations of others. For her, it’s 100% loyalty no matter what. I have been very worried about her for a while, but not to the extent of forging a suicide watch. She can be…dramatic at times, but never made a statement like that before…. Is she serious? Is she just being dramatic and seeking attention? In the past, I have tried to fix things for her, but usually I just make it worse. How do you know how hard to push someone who could be fragile to the point of suicide? I just don’t know how to help my daughter and I don’t want to lose her.” K.C.

First off, never take this lightly.

Teen suicide is a particularly tragic choice. The challenges facing these kids often seem small when viewed from a larger perspective. My recommendation is to get the kid to a therapist immediately. If she’ll talk with the counselor, she’ll find new ways to deal with the mean kids and a bigger picture of her future.

If you don’t have insurance that provides mental health benefits, look for therapists who offer a sliding scale. Many professionals set aside some part of their practice to people with limited incomes. People in the counseling professions are generally very caring.

Look for help. You don’t have to handle this scary moment by yourself.

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Just a word about conflict in relationships. Don’t think this has to be ugly. You need to work through the issues, but that doesn’t have to involve hitting or screaming at one another. There will be anger–that’s a given. You get angry when you don’t feel listened to and he gets mad when he thinks you’re not listening to him.

Conflict resolution involves you struggling to see his point of view. This can be very difficult and you’ll want to argue because he’s got it so wrong. Don’t. Don’t rush in to challenge his perspective or restate yours. Just listen–even when he’s got it all wrong. Then repeat what he’s saying back to him to make sure you heard him. After this, after you’ve heard his side of things, you get to talk about how you see it.

You have to listen though. Don’t allow yourself to be rehearsing your rebuttal while he’s talking.