Few would argue that children change things, we just not always clear on what that means. Having kids isn’t an automatic action–they deserve better and so do you.
There are lots of reasons given for having children, the most disturbing of which is one of the most frequently cited: If you don’t have kids who will care for you when you’re old? There is a big assumption in this and a real sad commentary on the parenting experience. Think about it, even if you have kids, you have no guarantee that they’ll want to or chose to take care of you in your old age. Sometimes this is presented as a debt–After all, I cared for you when you were young. There’s some troubling tit-for-tat going on in this. Even if your adult children do care for you when you’re too old to care for yourself, they may not view care-taking in the same way you do.
Couples also have kids thinking it’ll draw them closer. This is a major misconception. Yes, you weep with joy together when the child is born, but actually caring for children puts a great strain on relationships. Studies show that the years when couples are parenting young children are the unhappiest years of a marriage. This doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not you love your kids. It’s just a tremendous job–taking lots of time and energy. Some relationships don’t survive this; some do.
Some individuals have kids because they see this as part of the natural progression of life and they want to be in that flow. Just don’t think that this is an inevitability. Not everyone is physically able to have children; some don’t want the lifestyle that parenting brings. This is a life choice: You can have kids or not. You decide and you need to put this decision in the context of the other choices you’re making.
Kids deserve consistent, loving, present parents. If you’re not able to–or don’t want to–give this, don’t become a parent.
Choosing a child-free life is an option that some have embraced. They invest in their careers and their relationships. Most have invested interaction with other people’s kids, they just don’t raise any themselves. Think of Oprah.
If you want to nurture another life, sitting with it through burp-ups and teething, not to mention negative teacher interactions and the complexities of adolescence, then have kids. Parenting, like other life choices, can be challenging and enriching. Whether you have your own birth child or adopt, parenting is a noble, frustrating, heart-warming, maddening thing to do. It can be a wonderful choice. If not approached with some self-understanding and understanding of the process, it can also be wrenching and deeply sad.
Children deserve to be wanted and met with reasonable expectations. Life is hard enough without having to shoulder parents’ issues. Understand your motivation in entering the parenting experience.
Give the choice some thought.