“My sister and I are grown and on our own for fifteen plus years. We have [now] been disowned by our father for the past year. Our mother passed away 7 years ago, [but] just last year her mother passed away. [Our] father became very upset when my mother’s portion of the inheritance from our maternal grandparents went to my sister and I. That is when he cut us out of his life. …he wants us to sign those houses over to him, since he was not named in their will. …he has gotten himself in a major debt and now he is trying to get us to bail him out.”–Estate Confusion
My condolences on the lost of your grandmother and both of your parents–Mom to death and dad to the squabbling over money. The loss of a relative can be hurtful on a number of levels, the most needless is the fighting over assets. Lawyers with estate experience often see blood kin resorting to hostilities over the leftovers when a relative dies. It’s just sad.
Money hits us in so many emotional areas–people seek recompense when they feel they’ve been unloved or loved less. The issue of financial need is often raised–those with less assets often feel they should inherit more than the rest–and like the email above from Estate Confusion, the arguments can deepen into long-term estrangement. There is often a sense of entitlement, either from a family connection or from some action taken. Some people feel owed.
It’s enough to make those with money go looking for a charity to whom to leave the financial accumulation of a lifetime.
Emotional issues get played out when it’s time to transfer wealth, even when the money doesn’t add up to much. Sometimes, wills and the distribution of assets can be an attempt to control the actions of the inheritor. Remember the movies that show an legatee rushing to the alter by a certain deadline in order to inherit?
Estate Confusion indicates that she thinks her dad hasn’t made good money choices and he now wants her to rescue him. There’s also a hint that she disapproves of his money actions and wants to straighten him out. (Such a normal urge. We all occasionally want to straighten out the ones close to us.)
When these kinds of situations burst forth after the death of a relative, some people just hand over the money to avoid on-going family bitterness, but that usually means they end up feeling bitter, even if they don’t talk about it. What everyone needs to realize as quickly as they can is that–beyond taking care of you when you were a child–parents don’t owe you anything. Estate Confusion doesn’t owe her father the houses that will get him out of financial trouble and she shouldn’t be blackmailed into handing them over. But she also has to come to terms with the reality that she has no right to control her dad’s actions. Even the really stupid ones.
If she approves of his decisions, will she give him the houses?
Money seems to equal power too often in this world and this is largely why we argue over it. Giving a relative the cash they want(and demand) won’t fix the relationship. It won’t make everything rosy and you may be left feeling screwed. Sometimes, you just have to accept the limitations in a relationship.
Look at your own actions to make sure you’re being as honest with yourself as you can. Listen to trusted individuals(not those who want you to hand over the cash) and learn what you can learn from these conflicts.
But don’t think you have to do what others want you to do, just to make peace. Sometimes, there’s just no peace to be had.