You’re always supposed to be nice…right? That’s the message in the Santa Claus song(“….He knows when you’ve been naughty. He knows when you’ve been nice…”) and that’s what most mothers tell their kids. Particularly girl children.
But niceness has limitations. Sometimes you need to state the facts and let happen what happens.
NICE
When you’re on the phone with customer service…even if you’ve had a long, frustrating wait or been hung up on several times. Be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. But be direct with the supervisor (this doesn’t mean calling names or cursing. Neither will help).
When you’re on a busy highway and people are trying to merge politely. Go ahead and let a couple of cars in. Don’t, however, let every car in or the drivers behind you will have reason to get mad. Also, drivers who are pushy don’t really deserve niceness, but you need to know when to back off. They could be carrying weapons and you don’t want to end up on the evening news.
When you’re correcting a subordinant. Talk about the action that needs changing, not the person. Sweeping generalizations aren’t helpful and won’t yield the changes you need. Raising your voice also isn’t likely to give you the results you desire. Talk in a level voice. Nice works in this situation, but don’t think you have to ignore a problem. This actually isn’t kind to your employer, your subordinant or you.
Talking to kids (and others who “don’t matter.”) This is one of those times when you need to remember that just because a child is less powerful doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve some decency. You don’t have to suck up to kids. They don’t appreciate this either, but do be kind and reasonable…even if you want to scream at them.
DIRECT
When you’re breaking up with someone. This isn’t the time to talk about all the reasons you like a person or say that you’ll always be friends. The “friends” thing is usually just to make you feel better and it isn’t reasonable if you’re ending the intimate part of your relationship. Be fair and kind. Deal with your own struggle in losing the friend-part of the relationship. If you’re breaking up, you need to let the other person go. You may think you’re softening the blow, but it actually makes things worse.
When you’re reporting a crime. If you’ve been assaulted by a friend of a friend or hurt by a family member, don’t try to make this less horrible than it is. Nice isn’t appropriate here. You deserve better.
When you’re telling a mate or lover about a problem in the relationship. You may have a urge to sugar-coat or downplay what you’re feeling: Don’t. One of the saddest parts of a break-up is when one person professes complete unawareness of the problems. Yes, your mate may suck at listening to you, but you have a responsibility to speak up about what’s bothering you. Don’t think trouble will just go away. It doesn’t. It just eats at the foundation of the relationship till you don’t like each other anymore. Own your feelings. Don’t blame. But say what’s bothering you and make sure you’re heard.”
Niceness can be helpful, but there are moments you need to say what you’re thinking straight out…particularly with the people you love.