The problem with loving another person is that you automatically care what happens to them. You care what they do or what others do to them. They matter to you.
They are significant to you. Where there is significance, there is the possibility—let’s be honest—the probability of emotional distress. Pain. The old saying that you only hurt the ones you love, may be just part of the range of possibilities. But if anyone’s gonna hurt, it’ll be someone who cares.
It’s only natural to try to minimize this. Some individuals believe that keeping a grip on loved ones is a good defensive maneuver. After all, who doesn’t want some power in a relationship? Most people will say they look for a partner who’s trustworthy. One they know will never hurt them; someone who will always behave in a loving way. None of us want to get involved with people who’ll cheat, lie about money or fail to commit to the relationship.
But lots of people end up in just this situation.
Sometimes there is no huge betrayal. Sometimes you just can’t make a relationship work. There is no way to guarantee that love won’t involve loss and pain. Still, even when you’re just trying for self-preservation, power can seem like a dirty word. Kind of like control. If you’re running the risk of being hurt, shouldn’t you be able to tell your partner who to talk to and what they can do?
Sadly, no. If you love another person—be it a partner or a child or your sister—you put yourself in the position of feeling pain when they’re hurt. When they hurt themselves or when they forget to make your experience a priority. It sucks, but it’s pretty non-negotiable. When you try to control the other person’s behavior, like not allowing your partner to drive a motorcycle or bungee jump, you interfere with their choices. You also run the risk of your loved one coming to resent you.
Resentment is relationship poison.
Many people believe that relationship confers the power of being able to tell the other person what to do. Usually the argument goes that the other person gets to tell you what to do, too. But even then, this doesn’t work. People feel unfree and resist being told what to do or you don’t realize everything you needed to tell your partner.
Loving another person means putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You love, you care. The tricky part is that you cannot control another person, in order to protect yourself, without negative consequences in the relationship. If you try to tell your loved one how not to hurt you, you run the risk of introducing major complications into the relationship.
You get to decide how you function in the relationship–and functioning well can be a challenge. Handling your personal issues is a big job. It’s what you need to focus on, however. The only control you really have over the other person’s behavior is your power to decide whether or not you’re in the relationship. If you are a loving individual, there’s a good chance that the person in the relationship with you—partner, child, sibling, whatever—will care about the relationship. They will not want to impact you and will hopefully be aware of how their choices impact you.
There is no guarantee, however. Your loved ones may choose foolish, stupid, thoughtless things. They may take actions that leave you shaking your head and leave your heart feeling bruised. You may try talking to your loved one and still nothing changes. Sadly, at this point, you can stay and watch. Or walk away.
This may sound harsh, but it is ultimately your only ability to manage the impact on you. You have to decide. If you have a sibling whose life choices are self-destructive or a parent who refuses to care for himself, you might be best served to put distance in the relationship. You don’t have to cut them out of your life, but you need to accept their choices and put some distance between you to buffer your own heart.
Distance in a relationship can feel wrong. This kind of situation can hurt like nothing else and it is a choice only you can make.
Love fills up and enriches life. It also brings vulnerability, but walling yourself off in a self-protective, relationship-avoidant mode hurts worse. Actually hurts your health. All you can do is love and accept…sometimes, that’s really hard.