It’s like the fish that got away…. Former lovers. Past relationships that fizzled out or exploded in a blaze of broken hearts. Whether you found each other again at a high school reunion or hooked up once more on MySpace, the temptation to go back to a love from days past can be strong.
Ending relationships is typically painful and difficult. You once loved this person and gave a lot of yourself to the relationship. Whether you left, you got left or you both decided to end it, most of us don’t like saying goodbye. Revisiting a broken relationship can feel like finding a lost valuable. It’s exciting and familiar in all the good ways. But is it all good?
Sometimes, individuals find themselves, not with the same someone, but with a similar someone. Relationships and intimate interaction is half you. Are you driving the same track? Picking the same kind of person? Acting the same in different relationships?
If so, you’re going to get very similar results.
Getting involved with a former lover can be very tempting. But you need to ask yourself what’s different now? If the two of you had conflicting values—different lifestyle preferences, conflicts in communication or different views on what the relationship should be—is this conflict still present?
It’s not enough to say you’re going to try harder or that you know now how terrific he is. You fell in love in the first place and somewhere you hit a problem. If you don’t see how this problem can be fixed, why go back? Going back means revisiting all of the problems, too.
Taking a break from a relationship, only to start it up later, doesn’t solve the issues. No matter how attractive it seems, if you haven’t found a solid way to deal with the issues, they’re still a problem. Sometimes, individuals tell themselves that they’re not going to make a big deal of things this time. They’ll roll with the punches or go with the flow or some other cliché that helps them believe they won’t care about what they cared about before.
If you’ve gone through a major transformation…done intensive therapy, done a huge intrapersonal assessment or retooled your value system, maybe then your experience in the relationship will be different. You may, however, need to accept that some relationships aren’t fixable. People who get together because they make good friends can sometimes make an intimate relationship work. After all, friendship is an important part of a loving relationship. But not all friends make good lovers. You may get along great when you’re not sharing a bed or a financial report. It’s easier being friends, than being lovers.
You need to ask yourself: In getting back into this relationship, are you just going for Round Two? Is this the same story over again? If so, you can expect a similar outcome.
Maybe you screwed up in the first go-around. Maybe there are big things you’d do differently. You can try to learn from every relationship, because you’ve given a fair amount of yourself into each one. Relationships are 50/50, even if all you did was give in to your mate all the time. You contributed something, even if it was passivity (not a good thing in a relationship) .
People do change and relationships can be different. You get to change your own function. This is the personal power we all possess. Before you get into a repeat relationship, though, you need to look hard at your own actions and your motivations. More than anything, you need to give serious attention to the question of what’s different now?