Sometimes relationships can feel like a battlefield and all you want is some peace. You smooth things over, trying to avoid any subject that’s trouble. Still, in a day or a week, fireworks start up again and the two of you are exchanging ugly words and accusations. The fighting may spring up out of nothing and it can wear you down.
If you were sitting in a therapist’s office and she asked you why the two of you are still together, you’d probably mumble something about the kids or the years you put into the relationship. Then, you might say, “Well, I do really love him” or “When she’s not yelling at me, there’s no one I’d rather be with.”
The trouble isn’t the arguments. Conflict happens in every relationship. The difference is how you deal with it. I sometimes see couples in counseling who rush to tell me that they never argue. You may be surprised to learn that that’s not a good thing. Conflict can either be overt or covert. If its out in the open you have a better chance of finding resolution, but open conflict doesn’t mean calling one another names. Name-calling is a pointless waste of time that’s only satisfying for the moment and only happens when you don’t know how to work through problems.
So, where’s the ammo? The very best ammunition to take to battle with the one you love is a knowledge of yourself. For relationship conflict to be effectively resolved, you need to have some idea of what works for you. You need to know how and when you feel loved by your partner. You also need to know why the things he does drive you crazy. Most folks tend to fall into the habit of thinking, “Of course that makes me nuts. It would make anyone nuts!”
Wrong. This is very personal and you’re the person you need to question first. Why does it bother you that he always wants his buddies over to the house? Do you think he likes them better than you and doesn’t really want to spend time with you alone? Or do you just need some quiet time at home without always hosting a party? Know yourself. Communicating with your partner is much, much easier if you have an idea why the things that bother you bother you so much.
Don’t think that she knows how you feel about things and just doesn’t care that her volunteering to work on the weekends really upsets you. If you get to my office and I ask you why you’re still with your partner, you’ll probably tell me that you love one another. People who don’t love one another don’t usually call a therapist, they look up divorce lawyers or movers.
So, know what you need, but don’t think it stops there. Once you’ve figured out why things bother you, you need to know how to communicate this. I’m not talking about giving your partner a list of “don’ts.” Much though you may sometimes want to, you don’t get to control the one you love. What works much better is to share with your partner the thoughts and feelings you have when he exhibits certain behaviors. “When you do this, I feel….” This statement can help to avoid blaming (which makes her defensive and makes it harder for her to hear what you’re saying). It also helps you get to an understanding of what’s going on in the relationship.
Understanding yourself and your loved one may not clear up all the problems, but it’s a heck of a good start. When the two of you know yourselves and each other, the heat of the argument tends to be reduced. In a non-attacking moment of understanding, resolution can be crafted.
Knowing yourself and learning how to share what’s happening with you (without blame) is the very best relationship ammo.