Who do I think I am to activate a kid’s potential? Am I living the life I want to live? Parents too often get caught in the belief that its their responsibility to make sure their children grow up to be certain kinds of individuals. Its like we’re raising a garden, rather than children. If we plant carrot seeds, we expect carrots to grow. Bright orange, pointed with leafy green tops. All carrots are pretty much the same, but growing a human is quite a different thing. This doesn’t mean that we, as parents, get to abdicate our important role in our children’s development. We are very important to them. We must, however, evaluate our impact on our children without attempting to moralize or “guilt” them into certain kind of behaviors.
Our parents may be critical of the way we parent. They may not understand how we are with their grandchildren. They may think we’re over-indulgent or overly-strict. Their observations can be valuable to us as long as we’re not still reacting ourselves as our parents’ kid. If we can be open to looking at our own behavior instead of being compliant or resistant children ourselves, grandparent feedback can be a good thing. Parenting challenges require us to grow up and look at what we really want in our lives. Who we really want to be. So, instead of looking at a certain parenting style, maybe we ask what you want in your life?
You may not still be a kid, but you still want certain things in your life.
Personal freedom is a major issue. The United States is built on the concept of freedom; yet we seem to be experience freedom less than ever. Does being free mean you can do whatever you want, whenever you want? Do we allow our children to define freedom for themselves or are we imposing our ideas on them? What would happen if they could do anything they wanted? Does being free mean having no consequences for our actions? I ask these questions to stimulate you to examine how you resolve these issues for yourself. How does that carry over to how you live with your children? If you allow yourself the freedom to keep a messy garage or bedroom, is it okay that your children do the same in their bedrooms? Or maybe your spouse is afforded this privilege, but you still expect your children to keep their rooms clean. Typically, parents say, “I want something better for my children” or “I work too much, trying to make a decent living to provide all the things everyone wants. I don’t have time to be organized.”
Ask yourself, whose decision is that? You’ve chosen to place some behaviors at a higher priority–work, child care, groceries–than other things. Keeping your room, desk or car clean.
Many parents complain that they don’t get enough “respect” from their children. Parents say they want their children to “respect their teachers” or other authority figures. Again you need to ask, how do you respect your child? When you ask a question, are they allowed to say, “No.” The very structure of a question means that those being “asked” get to choose the answer. Otherwise, the question isn’t really a question! I am frequently amazed how parents will “ask” for their children’s help and then become upset when children decline to do so. Respect has to work both ways.
Perhaps you are talking on the phone and your child wants to know to whom you are talking. Maybe, you don’t want to tell them. Do they have the same right to refuse to tell you who they’re talking with? You might insist that you’re the parent. You don’t have to follow the same rules that your children do. But, that logic will only carry you so far. Remember, modeling is one of the most effective ways we humans learn. Your kids are watching you–watching how you act with them.
Language is also an issue for parents. They’ll say, “I don’t know where they learned to talk like that. We never use foul language at home.” Language is representative of an attitude. In the forties and fifties, racial tensions in America were heightened more by the attitude of the adults than by the language of the whites and blacks. Do you complain about getting a speeding ticket or about paying taxes? Do you talk about how the government is cheating you by taking so much of your money? If so, your attitude might be perceived as adversarial with authority figures or government officials. These kind of attitudes have an impact upon our children. Why shouldn’t they have contempt for the law when we’ve demonstrated the same? When parents hear kids call police officers ugly names, they’re appalled. What did you call the officer as you were driving away from getting your last traffic ticket?
I am not suggesting parents can never voice frustrations in front of children, but that you also need to acknowledge your personal power. If you drive faster than the speed limit, you’re choosing to run the risk of getting a speeding ticket. If you disagree with something a governmental body or an official does, talk to your children about voting for someone who supports your beliefs. Educate your children about the idea of making a difference. Use language to reflect attitudes you feel good about. Explore the attitude rather than trying to extinguish the language.
Parenting is one of the most challenging things we do in this world and ranks right up there with trying to maintain committed intimate relationship. Its harder than brain surgery and rocket science. Parenting has so many pitfalls and stumbling blocks that its easy to abdicate responsibility. “I can’t control them,” you’ll say. Sometimes, we try to control everything in our children’s world so much that we end up exhausted at the end of the day.
There are no easy answers, but it is important to explore where you are in the process. There is nothing like living with a child–particularly, a teenager–to make you examine yourself and your value system. You didn’t have children to find the best way to be miserable. So examine yourself. Look at how you contribute to and participate in the experience you have in your family. This is the only way you can know what is working for you and what is not.