Everything is going so great…why do you feel so bad?
Marriage, a promotion on the job, retirement, a new child–these are all things people say they want. Reasons to be happy, so why do you feel so overwhelmed and struggle to keep from breaking down into tears? Even new situations–the same ones you’ve dreamed of–will bring new challenges. Sometimes the very thing you’ve fantasized about can involved a move, a new financial situation, new activities. This is a lot of change, all at once. While you may have dreamed of these changes and you expected to be smiling all day, every day, change usually comes packaged with some scary stuff, too.
You may think you’re losing your mind. After all, you don’t have a reason to be sad! Even admitting it can be hard, but don’t think change isn’t challenging. Even the longed-for can sometimes be overwhelming.
New relationship experiences–moving in together, getting married or an overdue break-up, can bring you face to face with issues that you’ve never dealt with before. Suddenly, your space, time and money are all different. No matter how much you may have talked about all these things, there will still be surprises and, sometimes, they won’t be pleasant. Any significant new role change brings new expectations. You may expect certain things of yourself, and others may also have images of what change will bring, as well.
The parenting experience, for instance, is frequently loaded down with a wide variety of emotions and expectation. New parents have usually watched others parent and, as they approach parenthood themselves, may have told each other, “We’ll never be like them. We’ll be different with our kids.” And you may be…but you may also find yourself doing and saying stuff you swore you wouldn’t. Everything looks different from this perspective.
Life change brings, well, change. You’re suddenly thrown into completely new situations and those things and people who made up your comfort zone may be completely changed. The dream job can require you to move to another city where you know no one. You may find yourself over-whelmed with new responsibilities and end up convinced that you can’t do this job.
Even situations that are the stuff of fantasy, such as a lottery win, can have complications you didn’t expect. Maybe you find the love of your life and she’s a millionaire. You don’t need to work anymore! Suddenly, the job that stressed you is no longer needed and you skip out the door. But after a few months of vacation, you can start feeling like you’ve slipped into another, unfamiliar universe. Like you’re not really yourself anymore. A new parent who has decided to stay home with the baby might find her or himself floundering without a sense of self-definition.
Who am I now? Just Aiden’s mother?
Life changes–even good ones–take some adjustment. The situation you’ve dreamed of may not fit you exactly and, even though others can’t always understand, you may need to do some tweaking. Maybe you’ve always worked because you’ve had to. Most of us do. If you’re comfortably retired, it may be time to think of the kind of job you’d like to do. Maybe you’ve been a computer technician who really likes to cook. Maybe cooking is like playing for you. You don’t have to throw yourself into becoming a big time chef to enjoy your life. Even thinking about doing that can be overwhelming. You can, however, find a place to enjoy cooking for others. There are many options.
The secret is to find the life that works for you. This can be challenging, but can also make a world of difference. Whether you are a new parent who decides you need to work half time and you end up splitting baby care duties with your spouse, or you’ve married a millionaire and now you get to volunteer your time when you want to. Figure out what works for you and stop telling yourself that you’re crazy for feeling depressed. Even good changes involved change and most have big requirements.