A time comes in a parent’s life when what you think or want doesn’t matter to your kid. She’s going her own road and, sometimes, she can reject the things you hold dear. Whether it be lifestyle or religion, your child will make her own choices.
I’m offering no excuses here. The job of parent is hugely important. Children’s development, their self-esteem, their ability to cope in this world are all greatly effected by the quality of parenting they receive. But there will be a point at which you–the parent–don’t matter. There’s no denying that how you behave and the actions you take have a significant impact on your children. You have to remember, though, that the children you love and nurture–and sometimes yell at when life is giving you a hard time–must develop autonomy. They have to learn to be independent people. Without you.
This means that, at some point, your child will blow you off. He’ll go to the college you don’t think fits him (because his friends are going there). He’ll buy the car you’re pretty sure will die in a year. He’ll marry the girl who cheated on him or take the job you think he’ll hate.
Your kid will hear the words of wisdom you offer…and spit in your face.
You want this. Really. Not the spitting part, but you want the kid to grow up and grow strong and be able to handle whatever she needs to handle. After all, kids aren’t pets. They get jobs, go to college, form relationships of their own–and you’re not going to be there for them all their lives. One day, they have to fly solo.
Whether they choose a career that you think is silly and not financially rewarding or a mate who you don’t particularly like, they’re going to make choices that seem like a rejection of you. Sometimes, they just won’t listen and that can really hurt. You’ve kept clothes on their backs and cell phones in their pockets and now they act like you don’t know anything.
As a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to know when to enforce the rules that protect your child from harsh realities and when to back off and let the kid experience the consequences of his choices. This is a complicated, ever-changing situation, but the truth is that sometimes you won’t be able to protect–or even reach–your child. You, the parent, just won’t matter.
Oh, they’ll (usually) say they love you. You’ll get the same sappy cards on Mother’s or Father’s Day and they’ll still want your approval. But the kid won’t necessarily listen to your advice or heed your cautions.
You’ll cease to matter in a parenting sense. This can be a bitter moment. It also–when seen from an objective stance–can be the beginning of the kid’s true autonomy. Your child may make some ugly mistakes–things you saw coming way off–but she still needs to get out there without the training wheels. She needs to sort through her life choices on her own.
Parents need to let their kids experience the consequences of their choices. Even if those consequences are hard, your child will not learn if you continue to intervene to soften the blow. It is a sad reality of life that there are occasional blows. Actions not only impact relationships, they can extinguish them.
The parent-child relationship is complicated. While you may always want to applaud your child’s actions, that probably isn’t going to be something you experience all the time. There will be moments when you’re going to want to knock the kid on his behind. Hopefully, you won’t succumb to this urge, but it’s only honest to admit to having the desire.
There will be actions your child take that will alarm and distress you. You’ll probably try to caution her. Try to reach out and ward off the blow that life’s gonna deal her. You may not always be able to do this…and protecting her may not be what she needs.
Children need to grow up and growing up means that they will make their own choices (you want this). Some of those choices will be bad and some will seem like a total rejection of you.
They still need to make them.