Falling in love is fun, even when it’s scary. The end of love, though, sucks. So, what do you do when you think you may need to leave?
If this person didn’t have some good qualities, you wouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place. Only now, the happy times are few and far between. You don’t feel loved—at all or not frequently enough. Even if the person you’re with loves you—or says he does—you’re not having much fun. The relationship isn’t working for you. Shouldn’t you leave?
Leaving is never easy. Even people who find someone new as quickly as they can, so there’s never a gap between lovers, still struggle with the leaving. One break-up after another can leave you wondering if there’s something wrong with you. It’s easy to say you’re picking the wrong people, but inside you find yourself wondering if you’re the problem. Why are you attracted to all these wrong people? Why do you have multiple broken relationships in your past?
You might also worry about the one you’re leaving. It may seem like she won’t be able to make it unless you’re there helping her. Even with a really dysfunctional relationship, you might feel that leaving your struggling, self-destructive, messed-up lover will mean she self-destructs even more. Shouldn’t you stay to help keep her stabilized? Even if you’re miserable?
If you’re married, there’s even the “for better or worse” clause. You’re supposed to stay through the rough times even when it seems like all you have are rough times.
Then, there’s always the question of whether this relationship can be salvaged. Of whether you’re bailing out too quickly. Relationships don’t come with an instruction manual that indicates when they’re too bad to revive. There’s no kill switch that gets thrown and it’s clearly all over. Wouldn’t that be simple? Knowing when it’s too late is an incredibly personal, typically frustrating thing and you may find yourself flip-flopping several times on whether to stay or go.
Leaving is hard. It doesn’t feel good, even when we feel relieved. We want relationships that always work and are always clearly valuable. Relationships sometimes don’t work.
The thing about any interaction of two separate people is that it takes both of you. If one is choosing to leave the relationship, then it’s over. Just like that. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is. Guilting a partner into staying in a relationship never works. They may stay for awhile, but guilt is a poor foundation for any relationship.
Staying for the children is also a tricky thing. For some couples, the basic relationship is so flawed, the kids would be happier if you separate. You may not argue openly, but your kids will know if you’re mad at dad. Even little kids know. If your relationship is unhappy most of the time or if you’re unhappy most of the time, staying doesn’t help your kids.
Fix the relationship or end it. This may seem harsh, but it is a reality of couple-dom. Relationship repair can be complicated and painful. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And just because some relationships can be repaired, doesn’t mean you should stay in yours.
Leaving is hard. Sometimes you need to leave.