Challenges abound when one partner in a relationship has more power than the other. This can be earning-power, celebrity-power, ethnicity-power or citizenship-power. Whatever gives one the upper hand. It may sound good to say that healthy relationships require equality, but our worst characteristics come out in the conflicts closest to our hearts. We fight the dirtiest when we’re fighting with the ones we love. We tend to go for the jugular when it feels like everything we have is on the line. This may not seem right, but it’s the case more often than not.
Being a couple is complicated. In a time when there are more possibilities for you both, you have to negotiate how you interact. Relationship conflict is a given. If you have a relationship, you will sometimes have disagreements. Big differences in power just complicate these.
This only recently became an issue in relationships. Before this, power differentials have been built in and some people still mourn their loss. Men always made more money than women until the last few decades. In the past, only when women inherited money, or had some very unusual situation, did they have access to more money than their mates. The financial power differential was often cited as a reason for women to handle home and family responsibilities themselves—men had to make the living. This is no longer the case.
Let’s be honest–having less power than someone else feels bad. There may be a sense of security in being with a mate who has more options/more money/more skills, but that security comes with a price. When more-powerful partners are unhappy or angry with their mates, less-powerful partners can feel at-risk. There is a likelihood of thinking the one has to keep the other “happy”, no matter what. You want your mate to be happy. It’s the no matter what part that makes things sticky. Jumping through hoops to “make” someone feel whatever, isn’t good. This isn’t healthy thinking in a relationship. When one half of a couple is better-paid or better-educated or just “better” in some way, the other can feel like he’s always giving in. This will consequently lead to the less-powerful mate feeling reactive and defensive.
It’s hard from the other side, too. The partner with more power can feel apologetic for this power-differential, even when he’s done nothing to put his partner down or subjugate her. Then, too, it’s hard not to use power when you feel threatened somehow. Even partners who, in their calmer, saner moments, would never want their mate to feel less-than, can tend to use their power when in a really challenging relationship conflicts. Sometimes, it even seems like you’re trying to end the conflict by mentioning your power strength, like a mate who has a big-money job mentioning that she has to work all the time, so he should take care of all the chores. That seems reasonable, doesn’t it?
So, what to do? Bring differences in power out into the open. You have to talk about it, not just once, but frequently. In the beginning, when relationship skills are being honed, the two of you need to put the power thing on the table. If one makes more money or is from an ethnicity which has more societal value, this needs to be openly acknowledged. If the differences have a play in what’s going on between you, they need to be addressed.
The more powerful person doesn’t need to apologize all the time for the discrepancy, but she must be aware of not playing on the differences to her benefit.
Being aware of these conflicts helps you to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you can talk openly about these aspects of your experience, you have a better shot at building a fulfilling, nurturing relationship.