“We need direction. Our adult son is living with us. He has been out of work for more than 3 years but is currently attending college ( at our expense) to try to get a technical certification. His past employment required considerable physical labor which he is no longer able to do. He is 52, but not eligible for disability.
He is separated from his wife of 25+ plus years, but continues to see her on a regular overnight visits while she is living with her Mother. While at our home, our son is respectful , doesn’t run around, helps with yard work etc, but we cannot see any change in the future. He says he will work when he gets his degree, but that’s another year away. Many days he is depressed, appears to have physical issues with gout and thyroid problems, but he’s very inconsistent in taking his medications. Sometimes he will sleep for hours and seems totally exhausted. When he does take his medications, he is a totally different person, but then he stops them again.
We have tried to encourage consistency in meds, even to asking him to commit to our monitoring them, but he refuses, saying he is an adult. He is not acting like an adult if he does not take them, knowing it would help his life. He loves the classes he is taking, but we know he will not succeed on his own if he also doesn’t take needed medication.
We have considered telling him to take care of himself, get a part time job, seek counseling, etc or he cannot continue to stay with us, however, I do not know where he would go. We are living on retirement and have a limited income. We are at our wit’s end. If he were abusive, disrespectful, etc it would be easy. Where/what do we do?”
Worried parents ( 70yrs old)
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Dear Worried Parents,
First, let me ask you some questions–
1. Is your son mentally impaired?
2. What will he do/how will he live once you’re no longer there to take care of him?
I know you love your son, but I’m not sure you’re helping him. If he is mentally impaired(doesn’t sound that way), you need to arrange legally for his care once you’re no longer able to care for him. If he’s of sound mind, you need to treat him like any other person who has the capacity to care for himself. I know this sounds brutal, but it’s the most loving thing you could do. Cut him loose.
If you believe he has the capacity to live an independent life–make a salary, manage his own money, take care of his health–then you owe it to him to act as if he’s a responsible adult…even if he’s not acting that way.
Give him a deadline to move out of your house. Make it reasonable, but not generous. (You’ve already been pretty generous) Then follow through. Your son deserves this, even if he doesn’t like it. As parents, we often have to do things our kids don’t like. When he was young, you made him take his medicine. That’s no longer your role, but you can stop treating him like he’s fifteen.
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Kid’s Crippled By Wealth
We’ve all read the news stories of the children of the super-wealthy choosing really sad paths. To many get too accustomed to privileged lives of entitlement. It’s sad and all too frequent. But are your kids getting too much. You may not be wealthy and your name isn’t known throughout the land, but it’s still worth asking whether your children are crippled by your success.
Even modestly successful people–who live in nice houses and drive nice cars–have a tendency to want to give their children everything. We don’t want the kids to struggle. But life is all about struggling. When my husband’s cousin was diagnosed with cancer, he made the profound statement that “if money can cure it, whatever you’re dealing with isn’t a problem.”
Life involves struggle. That’s not negotiable, but those of us handle life better have learned to strive. Kids need to learn that they have internal strength and fortitude; they need to know without a doubt that they’ve handled hard times before and can handle them again.
I’ve seen clients crippled by their parents’ money, sitting around, feeling trapped, waiting for the will to be proved. You want your kid to struggle. Be emotionally supportive. Pay for college if you can, as long as the kid’s actually making the grade. Help when it’s helpful, but don’t think you can remove the