I’ve been married for 35 years and I still like him, which I think gives me the right to discuss this topic, even if I weren’t a therapist. Just to be clear, you can love a person and not like him, so the liking part is pretty darned good.
Valentine’s Day is the time of red roses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and jewelry commercials. This is supposed to be the special day of the year that we celebrate love. Love is worthy of celebrating. We all need and crave it, but that doesn’t make it simple.
I like working with couples. I think this comes of being in a successful relationship myself, but please don’t think I’m saying it’s always terrific. Love–the genuine article that makes you feel cherished and adds to your life–but, it’s not always fun. In every relationship, we have times of miscommunication, poor communication or none at all. In our intimate relationships, we get to play out our biggest issues. It’s here where you face all the challenges you’ve stumbled over.
Couples typically fight the most frequently over money, sex, children, in-laws, religion…and household chores. You can’t live with a person and not be impacted by his or her attitudes about all of these–unless you’ve decided not to have kids and that still leaves you with five other hot topics.
When individuals sit in my office and tell me earnestly that their relationships should be easier, I don’t necessarily disagree, but intimate relationships aren’t easy. Sometimes you need to listen when that’s the last thing you want to do; sometimes you need to say things you don’t know how to say. In no other relationship, do you have to deal with the mundane–tripping over his or her scattered shoes–and the profound. You probably share money or, at the least, your partner’s money decisions effect you, at times. You get madder at your partner and you may feel more hurt than with any other individual–it’s that way when you’ve let your guard down. And love is about not needing to guard yourself all the time. If you feel cherished and valued, you also feel safe.
And there are still bumps to get over. True love isn’t always pretty, but this doesn’t mean it’s not love.
When your life is bonded to another, you deal with differences in life perspectives and sometimes in overall values. All your annoying habits are up-front, as are your partner’s irritating behaviors. Your life is effected by their credit scores, their relationships with their families, their schedules and their sex drive. And they have to deal with yours, as well.
As humans, we can never be perfect. We have a lot of learning to do and we don’t always do it well. Many couples are also dealing with children–either shared or not–and this brings a truckload of all kinds of emotions into the mix.
The quote goes that “the path of true love is never smooth” and this is true, but mostly because we are complex, ever-growing individuals. We all have a lot to learn and that doesn’t mean we don’t love our partners. It just means we need to make our love a priority every day of the year, not only on Valentine’s Day.