Listening doesn’t mean offering your opinion, but that’s what most of us do. When clients tell me they’ve listened to their mates or children and then told them what to do, I know the mate or child probably didn’t feel heard at all. Clients tell me all the time about their frustration in trying to sort out a situation, but running into direction-giving well-meaning folk. We need to stop thinking that others sharing their dilemmas is them coming to us to get our vote on what they should do.
When a friend or mate talks to you about a difficult decision, we just need to hear them, to understand their feelings. I know this sounds too simple, but when you talk about the complex, frustrating situations in your life, are you asking for an solution? Advice columnists generally give their opinions or impressions of situations, but that’s usually not what we’re looking for when talking to a friend or loved one.
We’re worst in this when responding to children. Most of us don’t hesitate to tell kids what they should do. The big problem with this is that we also say we want kids to learn to think for themselves! It can seem like we want this only when we’re not around to direct them, but parental/step-parent/older friends have to remember that in the nature of things, kids will out-live you. They need to learn to think for themselves and we get in the way of this if we insist on them always turning to us for answers.
Listening just means listening. It’s most effective if you can reflect back to the other person what you think they’ve said and what they seem to be feeling. Pretend you’re a mirror. Most often, the person you’re listening to will convey feelings, if only feelings of confusion and frustration.
It may seem pointless to parrot stuff back to them, but think about what you want when you’re facing a difficult situation. Do you want someone to tell you what to do? Perhaps this is what you’re looking for, at times, but will getting that direction really help you? It just gives you someone to blame. If you’re trying to handle a rough-water kind of moment, you want to learn how to swim yourself. You don’t need other people yelling directions at you.
So, just listen.