One of the hardest things about parenthood is when your children cease to be children and you can’t do a thing with them. Sometimes, it’s very difficult to know what to do with them when they are children, but when they become adults, things get even more complicated.
When they grow to be adults, we don’t get to make their choices anymore. They don’t necessarily learn from us talking about our learning experiences and sometimes–like us–they screw up. They make bad relationship decisions or bad educational choices. We most likely did the same when we were they’re ages, but it can be very difficult to watch their choices…and not be able to do a damned thing about them.
It’s very difficult to watch someone you love make bad choices.
We parents, however, don’t need rush in and try to fix things for our children. If we want them to believe in their own abilities to wade through challenges, we have to let them do this–without interference. This is very, very hard, but this is also love. The tricky part is continuing to love–which causes pain to your heart–while letting the adult child make his or her choices. Without your input. You don’t get to offer suggestions; you don’t get to tell them what they should do.
I have two adult daughters who have made various relationship choices that disturbed me and their dad deeply. I’ve learned, though, that commenting just gets reactivity from the kid. Some adult children don’t tell you they want you to butt out, but they tell me, their therapist.
We parents shift into a supportive role when our children reach legal maturity. I told mine when they were teens that I’d never go on the stand and testify for them. They have to deal with their own choices. While we can assist them–and I’ve helped move mine move a combined 20 times in their academic careers–we don’t get to direct their lives.
The other day when a young adult relative was talking about his struggles with his young children, my own adult daughter commented later with a smile that she could feel me judging his choices. Nope. Not, at all. I remember how complicated it is to parent young children. I never want him or anyone else to feel judged. I may have observations and opinions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel compassionate.
Same goes for the challenges my children face. I love them and want the best, but believing in them sometimes means staying out of their choices. As the parent of an adult, I get to decide what I will support and what I need to stay completely out of. But I don’t get to tell them what to do…and, I’m not gonna lie, this can be very difficult.