ARGUING, NOT FIGHTING

You may not like to argue, but doing so is the only way to work through conflict in the relationship. Don’t think you can just ignore issues and they’ll go away. But arguing doesn’t have to mean yelling, screaming and hurling your cell phones at one another.

There’s productive arguing and unproductive arguing. Whether you call this by the milder name of disagreeing or by the scary-sounding term fighting, conflict with loves ones is unavoidable. If you hate this, that’s understandable. Most folks don’t like being at odds with their significant others. We generally want to get along.

So, here are the rules for dealing with conflict in a healthy–if not fun–way:

No name calling:
There are couples who’ve been married a long time–and plan on staying married–who disagree with this. They see name-calling as a part of heated disagreements and some say this is the only way to let their spouses know how upset they are. But calling one another names doesn’t help anyone to listen and doesn’t get your point across. It actually rouses defenses and makes listening difficult.

Everyone needs a chance to talk:
This means you work to keep interruptions to a minimum and you don’t spend the time you aren’t talking in trying to come up with new things to say about your feelings. You actually listen to what your mate is saying. Really, really listen. Think of this as a situation in which you need to make sure you can take notes. It’s a good idea to check with your mate to see if you heard him right. If not, then ask for a repeat.

Everyone has a responsibility to talk:
If you retreat into silence and don’t say what’s bothering you, don’t plan on anything getting better. Individuals who do this usually say that their mate isn’t listening to them anyway or just gets mad at them when they do talk. This may be true, but there are better ways to deal with the situation than just not talking. If necessary, you can repeat yourself–in a calm voice–using the same words. Do this several times, like a broken record. The repetition in the same words usually helps your agitated mate get that he’s not actually responding to what you said.

Listen:
It’s tremendously important that you work at understanding–hearing–what your mate’s saying to you. You may disagree with his comments and you may feel like you’re being accused unfairly, but you need to understand the emotions behind what your mate is saying. You need to listen.
When couples fight, they generally go for gut punches. This may hurt, but what the viciousness is saying is that the speaker doesn’t feel listened to or understood. There’s no other reason to get this ugly.

Accept differences in perspective:
Truthfully, you may not share every perception. Your mate may see things very differently than do you. Accepting a different view of things is vital. Don’t think your way of looking at things is the only right way. That’s narrow and communicates to others that they are always wrong. If you spend a lot of time telling your mate that his perspective is wrong, that he’s wrong in his view of things, he’s not going to feel listened to and he’s certainly not going to continue wanting to be with you.

Even when you see a very different view of a situation, accept his right to how he sees it. You each have valid observations. The truth usually lies somewhere between your viewpoints.

Work at understanding what’s happening to you:
This is vital and can sometimes be difficult. You need to do some serious introspection. You need to know what’s really upsetting you and you need to understand why. This isn’t always immediately clear to you and you may have to mull it over. This is why the old adage of “never go to sleep angry” may mean not going to bed without discussing the issue, but resolution doesn’t always come with just one discussion. Sometimes, you need to think about the conflict and you need to work through your own feelings to understand why you’re upset.

Accept that the resolution isn’t going to be just the way you want it:
This is a big one. Resolution involves finding a middle point between your perspective and his. You aren’t going to get everything exactly the way you want it. But you need to feel heard and understood. This is important and necessary. You also need some part of your concerns to be addressed in the resolution. It can’t be all his way, either.

Relationship conflict sucks. You can talk about make-up sex all you want. There’s nothing fun about fighting with the one you love, not if you’re taking this seriously. But conflict arises in every relationship. Trying to avoid it just places you more at risk for relationship failure and isn’t good for your heart muscle, either.

So talk, listen, work it through and do it before you get to the point of calling one another names or plotting murder.

Life works better when you work things through.