CONVEYING RESPECT

Even if you feel loved, you may not feel respected.

While the term respect technically means to be valued, it also can mean being treated with courtesy and having certain rights, which is where the problems often come in. 

In the complexity of relationships, we need to both be respected and to respect, but that can be difficult.

Parents talk of their children not respecting them and I have to ask what exactly they mean by this term. Usually this involves a teen or preteen who back talks and doesn’t do chores. Every now and then, parents seek help for dealing with adult children–some who live at home and some who don’t–and before we can address the problems, we need to outline clearly both what you want and what you don’t feel you’re getting.

Respect is vital for healthy relationships. This involves seeing the other person as having worth and free will. The last part is often difficult because their free will effects us.

I’ve been married since I was nineteen and the relationship has been a fertile area of learning, let me tell you. Somewhere in the early years, I noticed that when you love someone, you’re very affected by what they do and don’t do…but even with this, others(and we) have free will. I don’t get to tell my husband what to do or not to do.

He’s an individual and he gets to decide what he does. My power lies in the reality that I get to choose to stay in the relationship or not, but I don’t get to tell him what to do.

This is a delicate balance. Again, when you’re in a loving, committed relationship, you don’t have the right to tell your partner what to do. You definitely do have the right–and the responsibility–to let your partner know how his or her behavior effects you. If, say, he’s flirty with other women and this bothers you, you need to let him know how you feel. You don’t, however, have the right to tell him to cut it out. He gets to choose that, if he cares about his relationship with you.

We all want to be respected by those we love–that just means we want them to care how they’re behavior impacts us.

Parents want their teens to care enough to listen to their cautions and directions. When you tell your kids not to text and drive, you want them to listen and respect your input on this. You want them to recognize that you do, in fact, know some things.

The tricky part of this is that, as a parent, you need to respect your kids, too. You need to listen to them(check yourself on this. Kids often don’t feel listened to). You also need to acknowledge that your kids are making their own decisions–this needs to be part of your behavior.

But kids making their own choices is often really scary for parents. They mess up and make mistakes–sometimes distressing ones. But part of respecting your kids is letting them sort life out. Let them make mistakes–and this is important–let them suffer the consequences of those mistakes.

When one of my teen-aged daughters was caught skipping out on her job, her dad and I sent her straight to her work to talk with her boss. She had consequences and she had to deal with these, not us. The urge to shield kids often leads parents to interfering with their kids’ learning.

Respect involves believing in the other person, be they lover, friend or child. We need to act as if we know the other person has the capacity to respond to life events.

Think of yourself when you were a kid–you resented your parents telling you what to do. You wanted them to believe in you and let you bumble your way toward learning.

Respect is complicated because we’re so emotionally tangled up with each other. You want to be valued and you want your rights to be recognized. It can be hard, however, to do the same for the ones you love.