A male reader writes, “I need advice on what to do. My wife has been abused, raped and mistreated [before]…. Last Thursday, my wife went our mutual friend’s…to watch his kid for him…. When he got home, he tricked her to drink alcohol…. He then commenced to do things (take her clothes off, touch her, etc.). The whole time, she was saying no, but was too drunk to do anything about it. When I got there…I asked where she was…. I went to the bedroom [and] she was getting dressed. So, she cheated on me. I feel betrayed. I hit her and choked her and I don’t remember any of it. All I remember is walking up to her, yelling at her. Then I grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I let her go when I realized what I was doing…. Before I went to rehab, it was normal for me to black out when angered and to do very bad things. I feel horrible for hurting her like that, but I hate her for cheating on me. She had promised me in the past that she would never drink when I’m not around…. [Later] I found out that she’d been raped. I have been cheated on before. To me, it is the worst thing your partner can do to you. She has known that’s how I feel about it since before we started going out. Yesterday, I was able to sit and listen to…her side of what happened… She told me that she was tricked into drinking,… In any case, I still feel like she cheated on me. I’m lost. Now that I know she was raped, I just don’t know what to do. I need advice on what to do, not just for me. I can handle that, but for her.”
Dear Reader: For a man who claims to black-out when angry, you remember a lot of what you did to her.
If you believe her story, she didn’t cheat. She was raped. Rape is not the victim’s choice. Not their fault. Certainly, they were not assaulted because of what they wore or said or, in this case, drank. Rape is a violent act and being raped isn’t any kind of betrayal to you. It’s a very, very bad thing that happened to her.
I’m not sure I understand. If you believe her side of things, why would you still feel like she cheated? Cheating is a choice. Rape victims don’t choose. You can’t even be upset that she drank without you, since she said she did this unknowingly.
On the other hand, you might doubt her story and think she wasn’t raped, but willingly chose to have sex with your friend. Your reaction fits this. If you question her claim of rape, then you need to seriously look at what this relationship is doing for you and decide to fix it or leave.
I don’t recommend that you lay hands on her again. No matter what she might have done, she doesn’t deserve this and if you get physical with her, it’ll only get you into more trouble.
Relationships can be resolved and get healthy after infidelity, but only if both partners are committed to looking at and changing themselves and moving beyond the problems–which were there even before the cheating.
If she was raped, the woman needs to report it to the police (even if they don’t do anything about it) and get counseling. You probably have local services just for this. Talking with someone about the trauma really can help.