DO THE HARD (RIGHT) THING | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I am divorced with two children. My ex-husband and father of my children was very abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally). He forced himself of me many times, called me horrific names, refused to support me in any way, would not work and would not celebrate holidays. When I had a baby die, he told me to get over it and get back to work. I had no financial support and was treated like an animal. I stayed because I desperately wanted to remain a family and not become a single mom/statistic until I discovered he was having affairs.

I’ve had trouble keeping jobs, even though I always kept a good professional position. I’d hop to another job within a year. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar II and PTSD. Because of my job history, I’ve never keep insurance long enough to see a regular counselor or psychiatrist.

I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. This man has physically abused me. I am in school and I only have 7 months left. My current boyfriend likes to say that he’s sacrificing to put me through school, but I pay half the bills and pay ALL my personal bills myself with student loans. I drive an old beat-up car that I paid cash for. He never offered to help me get a vehicle(even just co-signing), but he is now looking at a new car for himself.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about trying again to find a life partner and having another child someday. I want to experience a loving, functional family. As a result of all the traumas in my past(I’m also an adoptee), I have struggled with parenting and bonding with my two daughters. I know it isn’t their fault, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I’m mad that their father treated me that way, but now has a good job, lives in a good area and has a great life while I’m struggling and depressed. I am questioning God and the unfairness of it all. My boyfriend says he doesn’t want to get married. Although he was engaged before, he now says he doesn’t believe in marriage. He says he never saw himself with children, but doesn’t mind mine. I want to be able to raise a child as a mature adult with financial stability and a loving partner. He says he doesn’t want to have children with me because I yell sometimes, I’m negative and I dread being a mother.

I know I have the ability to be a great mom. I was very organized and loving until I lost my jobs, lost a child, got divorced and was raped. I try to convince him that just because I’m not happy at the moment, doesn’t mean I couldn’t be an excellent mom, happy with job stability and a loving partner. We are at a standstill. I can’t imagine looking back on my life and only having my two girls with that monster ex of mine. I want a family and at least one happy pregnancy. I am obsessed with families and jealous whenever I see a woman with a loving partner and a child. I cry daily and can’t seem to get past the fact that my marriage failed. All I want to do is fix it by meeting a good man who loves me and my kinds and wants to give me what I never had. I am very sad that I’ve possibly waisted another 2 years in another relationship that isn’t going to be happily ever after. What do I do?”–Abused

Dear Abused,

First off, don’t get pregnant just yet. Second, find a good therapist who’ll work with you on a sliding scale and get into counseling. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) alters perspectives and often leaves individuals longing to fix their emotional struggles by finding happily ever after. You’ve had multiple abusers and you say that your current boyfriend is also abusive. This is why you don’t need to have a child with him–at least not now. Your obsession with families and your struggle to not resent your own children are indicators that you need to take care of you first.

Get into therapy. It is a well-known reality that emotional development stops at the age of first abuse. You’re physically a grown woman, but you don’t feel you’ve been loved or nurtured. Your aching for a family and another child sounds like you’re trying to recreate the loving environment you yourself deserved when you were growing up. PTSD is driving many of your emotions now and it’s important the heal you first.

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DO THE HARD(RIGHT) THING

Choices set us free, but they’re a bitch, too. Think about the thousands of small moments when you drank too much, ate too much, skip exercise, cut someone off in traffic(flipping them off when they honked) or stepped out on your partner. At that second, you just wanted to feel better, get where you were going or do to someone else what was done to you.

But none of these choices helped you actually feel better for more than a few minutes.

Finding the time to work out or NOT putting that extra charge on your credit card–these are the hard decisions. At this time of year, people over-eat, over-drink and over-spend, all in an attempt to feel better, to feel loved or to feel appreciated. Ever notice how many people buy new flooring and dining room furniture around this time of year? We dream of hosting wonderful family gathers in our decked out homes… Trying to feel better and to look good to those people who’re supposed to want the best for us.

Do the hard thing. There are lots of opportunities. Take care of yourself financially and physically, it’ll be good for you and for others, too.