Loving another person can be the hardest challenge in your life, particularly when the one you love—a mate, a child, or a friend—is making difficult choices. When these choices are positive in that person’s life, you cheer. When the choices are destructive, though, you can have a range of emotions that threaten to tear you apart.
It is very natural to have the urge to take this person by the shoulders and shake the heck out of him or her. You might want to yell and holler at him to realize what he’s doing. You might rehearse over and over in your head the things you want to say…the things that need to be heard.
Don’t say it.
Don’t give in to the urge to tell her off or straighten him out. Don’t be a distraction from whatever he or she needs to learn. If you’re not asked your opinion, don’t give it and be careful of giving it, even when it’s asked for. Sometimes, people ask for opinions they don’t really want and won’t listen to, anyway..
When individuals are working out their issues—or not seeming to work these out—they don’t need to be distracted by your emotions and your reactions. You can tell yourself that they need to see the light or need a good dose of reality, but be very careful. Letting loose and giving vent to your opinions can make you the focus. If struggling individuals are busy focusing on the reactions of others, they are less likely to face their own issues, less likely to see the consequences of their choices.
When your loved one is facing a challenge, your feelings are not the most important thing. You may be hurting and that really, really sucks, but it’s probably not what needs to be his focus at this moment. What he needs to see are the consequences of his actions—the results of what he’s choosing. You might really want to point out the him that the consequences of his continuing this behavior is that you’ll no longer maintain the relationship. You can do this. It might even be a reality, but think carefully about what you say.
Don’t threaten harsh, punitive action to get her attention or help her see what she’s doing. This just sounds like your blowing hot air and will probably be seen as controlling.
As painful as it is, you need to hold your tongue. Don’t threaten action, just take it when you need to. If you bluster and yell —if you try to make him understand just how upset you are—he just sees that you’re angry. He doesn’t see himself or his choices. Children will frequently forget their own actions when faced with an angry parent. They remember the angry parent—Boy, she was mad! they’ll say.
When a love one is doing disturbing, scary things, the hardest thing is to remain neutral and not give an opinion. But remember that, even if that opinion is requested, giving it may distract your loved one from his or her own behavior.
There are moments when action is called for and when you need to say just what you think. Be very sure of whether or not this is that the moment.
When mistakes are made, you don’t want to distract those you love from the lessons that come with them. Consequences can be harsh, but they make learning very effective. More effective than you telling the other person what to do.