“Dear Dr. Doss,
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I am 19 years old and currently living alone right now. I live in Texas, but I’m originally from California (where I’d rather be). For several years since I moved to Texas- around my freshman year of high school- I’ve felt like my family has… drifted apart. I’ve heard that that’s normal… but to me, it doesn’t seem that way. My mom remarried sometime last year and her new husband is a great guy, however, every time I’ve tried to have a conversation he’d make a joke about it. My younger brother is 15 years old; he’s doing okay, but I feel like I don’t really know him anymore… I know it’s because he’s a teenager, but it’s getting harder for me to get along with him.
My point is, ever since my grandpa passed away several years ago and, I guess, since my mom, brother, and I moved to Texas, we’ve been acting less and less like a family. We don’t do the things we used to do, we rarely talk to each other, I always feel like no one’s interested in what I have to say, and around the holidays…. I feel like the only one who’s having fun. I’ve thought about counseling before, but my family acts like this is no problem; that everything is fine right now. I also don’t know how to bring it up without starting an argument. I wish I could tell them what’s on my mind, but… it’s tough. What do you think I should do? I’m starting to run out of options. “—Wanting to Understand My Family *
Dear Wanting,
I’m sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your family. You heard correctly. Some family drifting apart is normal when teens reach your age. The structure of parents/children is different as the kids near adulthood. Growing teens need to separate from parents as they get ready to launch into being adults and many parents have put their own needs on the back burner to raise their children. Sometimes this is a rough transition for everyone and siblings are in the middle, with everyone trying to figure out the lives they want.
Your family has also had some big changes—the loss of a grandparent and a move to another state. These can have a major impact.
It may seem like your mom and step-dad are less involved—less connected to you—and they probably actually are. The life phase ahead of you is filled with uncertainty and, often, self-doubt. It’s not just your family, you’re different, too, even if you don’t want to be.
This scary time is the moment for you to invest in yourself. Go to school. Get a good career foundation and don’t make any relationship commitments for a time. Don’t get married right now and don’t have a child. These may feel like anchors when you’re blowing in the wind, but you don’t need to hide. You’re okay even if you don’t feel that way. This awkward moment won’t last. You and your brother will develop a new rhythm, as will you and your mom.
Believing in yourself when you feel scared is really hard, but the scared feeling isn’t the full picture. You can do this…and your family connections will probably just rearrange themselves. Give it some time and don’t feel you need to “confront” anyone now. Nothing good will come of it.
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Don’t Give Up Parenting
Adolescents can be a real pain. They don’t pick up their clothes, expect you to cater to them and act like they don’t care about anything. As a parent, this is a maddening time.
Some kids make big, bad, scary choices, even though you’ve warned them. You may have poured yourself into the parent role, given until you aren’t sure you have anything left to give. You probably feel like it’s time to put yourself at the top of the list.
You’ve given your kid a cell phone(may need you in emergencies) and maybe even a car. He’s got friends and school activities and he probably seems like he doesn’t need anything more from you than the occasional cash infusion and clean clothes.
Still, don’t stop parenting. He’s facing huge decisions and he needs you now more than ever, even if the little jerk doesn’t act like he appreciates you.
Ask your kid about his life and his friends and his interests. Go to movies with him(if he’ll have you), even if you have no interest in the movies he likes. Occasionally watch with him the television shows he watches. Ask about his plans for the future. It’s tempting to lecture about all this, to share your hard-earned wisdom and to tell him what he should do next.
Don’t. He’ll just tune you out.
This is the hardest part of parenting—the part where you need to believe in him. I’ll say it again because it’s so massively important—Believe in him. Even if he makes stupid choices and drives faster than you’d like, he’s a smart cookie. He needs to know you see him this way.
He needs to see himself this way. It may help him to stop and consider his choices. Don’t try to smooth his consequences(as a parent, this is hard) because he needs them to learn this way, not that way.
Love him fiercely and position yourself on the sidelines. You’re the cheerleader now, you don’t need to rush into the game.
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