In parenting, it’s sometimes the things you don’t say that make the most impact.
You love your kids just as I love mine, and you want to shelter them from the foreseeable storms, the things you know will cause them grief. This can be anything from steering them clear of transgressions of the law to hiding their paternity. But be careful that you don’t step into trying to smooth their paths in ways that ends up creating problems.
Every life has some troubles. It’s a fact that I hate, but this is reality. It’s also sucky that we seem to need to stumble and feel the consequences of our choices before we really learn. That being so, why are you trying so hard to keep your kids from experiencing consequences?
It’s true that some consequences are life-altering or life-ending. When kids are small, you try hard to keep them from playing in the middle of the street. You know what can happen if a car comes along, but knowing the outcome isn’t an excuse for preventing your child from dating or marrying the wrong guy. Some things she has to learn herself. Of course, if she’s fourteen, you still have a responsibility to step in if you think she’s getting beaten up by the guy she’s dating or if you think she’s sexually active–the really scary stuff.
But you don’t get to nag her all the time about the guy based on your conviction that he’s a loser or your fear that he’ll lead her into bad company. Really bad things have to be blocked, of course, and you can do this if the kid is under-age. Not if she’s an adult, though. She gets to pick loser boyfriends and flunk out of college classes she’ll later need to get a degree and a good job.
All this sucks, but talking at your kids, telling them what they’ve heard you say a hundred times and nagging–none of this benefits your child…. The urge to do all of this is completely natural. You’re desperate to keep the kid from pit falls! Heck, you’ve been down this road. You know the rough spots and you don’t want the same for her.
Sorry. She’s going to find out some things for herself and you–because you love her–get to be supportive and silent. She doesn’t need to you point out that you told her this or to underline the lessons life is already teaching her.
She needs you to love her–to believe in her even when she doesn’t believe in herself. While you may have the urge to rush in a rescue her in the way that your parents tried to rescue you (or in the way you wished you could have been rescued), don’t do it. Rescuing needs to be very sparingly administered–just the minimum. Doing more will make her dependent on you and while that may make you feel warm and fuzzy in the short term, you’re not going to be around always. She needs to learn she can stand on her own two feet.
I know this is hard. Particularly when the kid you love is crying or desperate. Don’t rush in. Think very, very carefully about rescuing or saving her. The last thing you want is to weaken her.
If you want to help, support her school/career endeavors in any way you can, but only if she asks. This will give her the capacity to make a life for herself.
You want her to be strong. Remember that over-talking and telling her what to do doesn’t help her discover the sometimes harsh truths of life. It just makes her stop listening to you.
And you don’t want that.